{"id":140077,"date":"2026-09-04T04:24:33","date_gmt":"2026-09-04T04:24:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/?p=140077"},"modified":"2026-09-04T04:24:33","modified_gmt":"2026-09-04T04:24:33","slug":"little-equations-create-new-communication-defaults","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/2026\/09\/04\/little-equations-create-new-communication-defaults\/","title":{"rendered":"Little Equations Create New Communication Defaults"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I first started learning effective communication skills, I developed little equations in my head to help me construct a self-disclosure message, an active listening response, or a confrontative I-message.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">These little equations became a way of <strong>training my brain<\/strong>. With practice, the steps became familiar, and eventually the communication skills became more natural and automatic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I often work with clients and couples who have great difficulty recognising their feelings and needs, let alone finding the words to express them. This is where a few simple, repeatable steps can be incredibly helpful. We can literally train the brain to develop new neural pathways and create new habits for how we communicate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And it starts with <strong>self-empathy<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Self-Empathy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Self-empathy means turning your attention inward and becoming curious about what is happening for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You might ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>What am I feeling?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What is happening for me right now?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What need is underneath this reaction?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What am I wanting, valuing or longing for?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Before we can communicate effectively with another person, we need some capacity to understand ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Many people try to communicate their experience without having a vocabulary for what they are actually feeling or needing. Instead, they jump straight to explaining what <strong>the other person<\/strong> is doing wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cYou never listen to me.\u201d<\/em><br><em>\u201cYou don&#8217;t care.\u201d<\/em><br><em>\u201cYou&#8217;re so selfish.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">These statements may express distress, but they don&#8217;t necessarily reveal what is happening <strong>inside us<\/strong> or the need that is trying to be met, or how the other\u2019s behaviour is effecting us. Instead they create conflict as they are &#8216;YOU&#8217; messages and the brain perceives this as a threat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Self-empathy gives us the opportunity to pause and discover what is underneath the reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>What am I feeling? What do I need?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once we have some clarity, we can begin to share that experience with another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Here is a <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/awakening-com.s3.ap-southeast-2.amazonaws.com\/2018\/05\/Feelings-and-Needs-Tree.pdf\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/awakening-com.s3.ap-southeast-2.amazonaws.com\/2018\/05\/Feelings-and-Needs-Tree.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">feelings and needs list<\/a> <\/strong>to support you to begin to familiarise yourself to expand from mad, sad and glad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Self-Disclosure<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Self-disclosure is the process of giving another person a glimpse into our internal world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Using effectiveness training, self-disclosure is about communicating <strong>your own experience<\/strong> rather than making the other person the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A powerful shift that builds relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Have you ever noticed how interested and connected your partner becomes when they get a genuine glimpse of what is happening inside you \u2014 particularly when they are not being blamed for it? There is something deeply connecting about being invited into another person&#8217;s inner world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>A Simple Self-Disclosure Equation<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One little equation I use to help people practise this is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>I + feel + fact<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>\u201cI get really excited when I am able to express myself clearly.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Or:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>\u201cI am saddened when I&#8217;m not able to communicate what I need.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The formula is simply a training tool. It helps you remember to speak from <strong>your own experience<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Be Careful With the Word &#8220;Feel&#8221;<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">An important part of learning self-disclosure is noticing whether the word <em>feel<\/em> is actually followed by a feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cI feel that you are not listening to me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The word <em>feel<\/em> appears in the sentence, but there is no feeling being highlighted as well as <em>\u201cyou are not listening to me\u201d<\/em> is actually an interpretation or judgement about the other person&#8217;s behaviour not the facts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A fact is something you can see, hear or otherwise directly experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>\u201cWhen I we are talking and you looked at your phone, I am disappointed as I was eager to spend time with you\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now we have:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Fact:<\/strong> Talking together, and looking at phone<br><strong>Feeling:<\/strong> disappointed and eager<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The focus stays with <strong>my experience<\/strong>, rather than becoming an accusation about <strong>your intention<\/strong>. That way we don\u2019t force the other into conflict and we still get to express our disappointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This small distinction can make a significant difference to how a message is received.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Train Your Brain<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Communication is made of micro-skills that practiced over time changes the way we express ourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Try this simple exercise:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Send Three Self-Disclosure Messages Per Day<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Share <strong>three genuine self-disclosure messages with someone each day<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They don&#8217;t have to be deep or complicated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You might share:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI&#8217;m really enjoying this coffee this morning with you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI&#8217;m a little nervous about today\u2019s presentation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI&#8217;m really grateful that we&#8217;re having this time together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI&#8217;m excited about what we&#8217;re planning together .\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI&#8217;m tired and I need some quiet time this evening.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If remembering is difficult, <strong>attach the practice to something you already do<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You could share your self-disclosure messages:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>over your morning coffee<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>when you greet someone<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>when you send a text<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>when you arrive home<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>before going to bed<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The more you practise noticing your internal experience and putting it into words, the easier it becomes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You are not simply learning a communication technique.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>You are training your brain to create a new way of relating.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And with practice, those little formulas can become something much more valuable than formulas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They become <strong>capacity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Capacity to know yourself.<br>Capacity to express yourself.<br>And ultimately, capacity to create deeper connection in your relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I first started learning effective communication skills, I developed little equations in my head to help me construct a self-disclosure message, an active listening response, or a confrontative I-message. These little equations became a way of training my brain. With practice, the steps became familiar, and eventually the communication skills became more natural and [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":140078,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[97,11],"tags":[19,8,66,67,16,20],"class_list":["post-140077","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-magazine","category-news","tag-attachment-styles","tag-brenda-sutherland","tag-comunication","tag-couples","tag-holistic-counselling","tag-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140077","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=140077"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140077\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":140079,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140077\/revisions\/140079"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/140078"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=140077"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=140077"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awakening.com.au\/lms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=140077"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}