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  • Hold Onto Your Kids

    Hold Onto Your Kids

    Moving from Peer Orientation to Parent Orientation

    As a therapist of four decades there is one issue that baffled me until recently and that is the increased rage in a number of teenagers and parents unable to have any influence on them. Parents were beside themselves and I, as a therapist, felt like I lacked insight as to what was going on, until recently.

    I have been reading a book by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld called ‘Hold on to your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers’. As a mother of a 25 year old son I have experienced many of the challenges, at times as a single parent, that come with children navigating life, friends, drugs, technology, identity, step families, parental separation and so much more. No parent comes with a manual yet it feels as though we have lost trust in our intuition as a parent.

    Children’s attachment needs are trying to be satisfied by their peers who seriously fall short of many layers of attachment requirements to develop into mature adults. Children in our culture today, are moving from parent orientation to peer orientation whereby belonging to a peer groups is conditional on conforming to the group norms (proximity), dress code (sameness), and adhering to particular behaviours (belonging and loyalty). Peers are not warm, or loving in a way a parent is and are unable to offer guidance from experience of having lived that themselves, cannot offer significance, and a feeling as though they matter, love and emotional closeness and being known (psychological closeness). Therefore attachment to peers only satisfies basic attachment needs of a child and that is proximity, sameness and belonging.

    Similarly parents are not as supported by their community as much these days, to then be able to support their children. Couples are easily able to separate rather than guided to make it work. I l know this all sounds very conservative, and it is not aimed to be, there is alot of room for diversity here, it is just that when we lose connection with community as parents we become under resourced, stressed, overwhelmed, lonely and doubt ourselves, which means that we are not as available to helping children navigate the world as they grow up because we are trying to survive. These are the developmental, emotional, behavioural, social, and academic consequences Neufeld identifies when children attach to peers instead of parents.

    Six Levels of Attachment


    Gordon Neufeld describes six levels of progressive depths of attachment, that is how children connect to caregivers and eventually to others. Healthy development involves moving through these levels with safe adults before forming peer relationships. Attachment is through:


    1. Senses (Proximity)

    The child wants physical closeness, eye contact, being held and hearing your voice. This shows up as Wanting to be near you, reaching out for you, bids of connection, touching, leaning, cuddling, watching your face constantly (See Beatrice Beebe’s work) This is the most basic form of attachment—connection through the senses. 


    2. Sameness

    The child wants to be liked. This shows up as copying your words or gestures, anting matching clothes, mimicking your preferences and imitating your routines. You are the model of behaviour the child copies. Sameness helps the child feel secure and connected by aligning with your identity.


    3. Belonging & Loyalty

    To belong to the same “team”, and belong to your team as a parent. This shows up as possessiveness (“This is my mommy/daddy”) wanting to be included in family decisions, claims of loyalty and feeling upset when you favour others. This level cements you as “their person.”


    4. Significance

    To matter deeply to you. How it shows is seeking your approval, wanting to be your helper, asking “Did I do good?” and acting special or trying to impress you. The child wants to feel that you value and treasure them.


    5. Love (Emotional Closeness)

    Expressing love freely, giving homemade gifts, emotional sharing (“I’m scared,” “I’m sad”), seeking comfort, feeling safe and being able to be vulnerable. This is deeper than significance—the child gives their heart.


    6. Being Known (Psychological Closeness)

    This need is to be fully seen and understood. This shows up as confiding secrets sharing hopes, fears, and true thoughts, trusting you with their inner world, wanting to “be known” without social masks. This is the deepest and most mature form of attachment.

    Why Attachment Matters

    Children’s development depends on a secure attachment to caring adults. Children must progress through these stages with adults to form secure, resilient identities. When this bond weakens and adults do not hold these layers, children may start to orient themselves around peers instead of parents. This peer orientation disrupts healthy development because peers cannot provide the stability, empathy, and guidance that adults can. In other words peers can hijack them—leading to peer orientation, and therefore parents no longer are attachment figures and cannot influence them.

    What is Peer Orientation?

    Peer orientation happens when children attach to peers for closeness, belonging, acceptance, and identity, rather than to adults. This leads to insecurity, acting out, and emotional stress. Peer orientation occurs when a child looks to peers—not adults—for:

    • values
    • identity
    • comfort
    • guidance
    • a sense of belonging

    Neufeld argues that modern society encourages this shift by:

    • separating children from parents (schooling, activities, schedules)
    • reducing extended family networks
    • encouraging digital socialization
    • cultural overemphasis on independence
    • overemphasis on independence too early
    • Peer groups replacing family time
    • media and technology amplifying peer connection
    • busy parenting, stress, and screens
    • schools that do not foster teacher–student attachment

    Peer-oriented kids then become:

    • more rebellious or resistant to parental influence
    • prematurely sexualized
    • anxious about peer acceptance
    • vulnerable to bullying and aggression and suicidal when rejected from the group
    • emotionally dysregulated

    Peer Orientation undermines

    • Maturity
    • Empathy
    • Self-acceptance
    • Learning (children learn better when oriented toward teachers, not peers)
    • Resilience

    Children need adults who are emotionally safe, attuned, and consistent; peers are often immature, reactive, and insecure, so peer-centered relationships quickly generate anxiety, rejection fears, and emotional volatility.

    Symptoms of Peer Orientation Rather than Parent Orientation

    1. Emotional Immaturity

    Children cannot give each other the emotional holding an adult and parent can. Peer-oriented children:

    • Stay emotionally young even as they age
    • Struggle with emotional regulation
    • React impulsively
    • Are easily overwhelmed or offended
    • Cannot tolerate disappointment
    • Become highly sensitive to peer reactions

    2. Increased Anxiety and Insecurity

    Children’s sense of security rests on unstable, shifting peer dynamics. Because peers are unreliable attachment figures, a peer-oriented child experiences:

    • Chronic social anxiety
    • Fear of rejection
    • Fear of exclusion
    • Preoccupation with friendships
    • Worry about losing status
    • At times suicidal tendencies due to rejection of peers

    3. Aggression, Bullying, and Hardening

    Peer groups often demand toughness, coolness and reward dominance, not gentleness.
    Peer orientation can lead to:

    • Hardening of the heart (suppressed vulnerability)
    • Bullying or being bullied
    • Posturing, bravado, attitude
    • Acting mean or cold to maintain peer approval
    • Emotional disconnect from parents

    4. Rejection of Adult Guidance

    A child only follows the person to whom they are attached. Therefore if a child is not attached to their parent they do not have influence and cannot discipline or guide a child in healthy ways. If the attachment is to peers, peers set the standards. Peer-oriented children:

    • Resist parental direction
    • Argue and defy authority
    • Prefer peer norms over family values
    • Tune out adults, teachers, and caregivers

    5. Loss of Family Cohesion

    The parent becomes “uncool,” irrelevant, or resented. Peer orientation weakens the parent-child bond.
    This often shows as:

    • Less interest in family time
    • Disrespect or dismissiveness toward parents
    • Keeping secrets
    • Becoming emotionally unavailable at home

    6. Disrupted Healthy Identity Development

    Identity development requires adult mirrors—not kid mirrors. Peers cannot affirm a child’s deeper self. Belonging to a peer is contingent on sameness and conforming. Thus peer-oriented children:

    • Form identity around peer approval
    • Become chameleon-like depending on the group
    • Feel lost or empty without peers
    • Struggle with self-esteem
    • Become overly influenced by trends and social status

    7. Peer Dependency

    Separation from peers causes distress, panic, or irritability and at times suicidal ideation. The child becomes dependent on:

    • constant peer contact (texting, messaging)
    • peer validation
    • being liked or included
    • fitting in

    8. Premature Sexualization

    Children look to peers for belonging and significance in ways they’re not emotionally ready for. Neufeld & Maté warn that peer orientation accelerates:

    • sexual behavior
    • experimentation
    • objectification
    • pressure to pair up
    • early romantic entanglements

    9. Academic Problems

    Attachment to teachers increases learning; attachment to peers undermines it. Peer orientation reduces openness to learning because the child:

    • Resists teacher authority
    • Prioritizes socializing over schoolwork
    • Lacks internal motivation
    • Gets distracted by peer drama
    • Refuses help from adults
    • Sees school primarily as a social arena

    10. Trouble Handling Vulnerability

    This blocks the emotional development needed for resilience. To survive in peer cultures, children suppress vulnerability:

    • Hide emotions
    • Harden themselves
    • Avoid asking for help
    • Shut down when upset

    11. Increased Risk Behaviours

    The child uses peers, not parents, to regulate emotions and choices. Peers are mostly disregulated. Peer pressure becomes more powerful than parental influence, raising the likelihood of:

    • substance use
    • risky behavior
    • reckless decisions
    • online dangers
    • self-harm or dangerous dares
    • seeking belonging in unhealthy groups

    12. Developmental Stagnation

    Peers cannot nurture maturity. Only caring adults can. Perhaps the core problem Neufeld identifies:
    Peer orientation halts maturation.

    Children fail to:

    • develop emotional depth
    • gain confidence
    • internalize values
    • form identity
    • build resilience
    • grow into independence

    The Affect of Peer Orientation Summary

    Emotional: anxiety, insecurity, immaturity
    Behavioral: aggression, defiance, impulsivity
    Social: peer dependency, vulnerability suppression, status obsession
    Academic: resistance to learning, poor motivation
    Family: disconnection, conflict, loss of respect
    Developmental: identity problems, stalled maturation, risky behaviors

    Peer orientation feels socially normal but is developmentally harmful.

    Take the Quiz

    Worried that your child may have orientated to their peers? Click below to take the Quiz

    Peer Orientation ChecklistDownload

    How to Remedy Peer Orientation & Attachment Injuries

    Having seen many parents so distressed that they have no influence towards their children and are subject to violence, abusive behaviour, have to call the police on their children, and completely baffled as to how to change it, here are a few answers.

    Healing attachment injuries involves helping the child return to earlier levels (proximity, sameness) and gradually rebuilding upward.

    Re-Establish the Parent as the Primary Attachment Figure

    1. Collect the child’s attention and affection

    Neufeld calls this “collecting” your child, whereas we call it “connect before correct”. How to strengthen “collecting” is through:

    • Increase warm physical connection: hugs, snuggling, rubbing their back, make warm eye contact, smile, greet them lovingly
    • “Collect” the child whenever reuniting: make eye contact, smile, say their name
    • Create rituals of closeness (bedtime cuddles or stories, morning hugs, welcome home hugs and sitting and finding out about their day)
    • Reduce competing attachments (excessive peer time, unsupervised online life)
    • Show interest in what they’re doing ( As a mum I sed to simply hang out on my son’s bed when he was studying, simply chatting)
    • Re-engage them when they pull away
    • Create rituals of connection (bedtime talks, drives, meals)

    This rebuilds the child’s instinct to orient toward the parent.

    2. Reconnect before redirecting

    Correction works only when the relationship is secure. I wrote an article with the title, ‘Connect before Correct’.
    Instead of discipline first or telling a child waht to do, nagging notice this and switch to connecting first:

    • Empathetic listen their emotional state
    • Show understanding through active and empathetic listening
    • Sit down with them
    • Play a game
    • Try to listen without changing them
    • Discuss things allowing them to come up with options as well as offer options (mutuality, sensitivity)
    • Then guide or set limits

    Your presence needs to feel:

    • safe
    • warm
    • predictable
    • delighted
    • welcoming

    Your child must feel that: “You don’t have to earn your love. You’re wanted here.” This is different to peer groups as children have to conform to certain behaviours to belong to a group and can be easily reject if they do not do so.

    Invite connection without demand, pressure, criticism, competition or comparison, interrogation and lectures. This softens defenses and reopens attachment pathways.

    3. Take responsibility for the relationship

    Children’s brains are developing and as a teenager we have to be their pre-frontal cortex and help them make healthy choices or be then when they get themselves into trouble as they learn to navigate others, drugs, peer pressure, their identity and so much more.

    Adults need to guide the attachment—not wait for the child to initiate. Kids follow adults who feel capable of caring for them. Neufeld and Maté emphasise that children need to rest in their parent’s leadership. “I’ve got you.”

    Peer orientation builds slowly, and it resolves slowly. Consistency, warmth, and leadership rebuild the hierarchy over months—not days. Every moment of connection moves your child back into your orbit.

    This means:

    • You lead with calm confidence.
    • You take responsibility for decisions.
    • You guide without asking permission to guide.
    • You stay steady even when the child is upset.
    • Being emotionally available
    • Being the one who comes toward the child
    • Inviting closeness without demanding it

    4. Prioritise Proximity (But Make It Invited, Not Forced)

    Parents must restore closeness—emotionally and physically. You cannot be an attachment figure from afar. Proximity nourishes the bond.

    Simply hanging out with them, being available after dinner on the couch so your child comes and sits down and outpours the day then gets on with their evening are ways to being to do this.

    Other ways to invite proximity:

    • Spend predictable time together daily.
    • Create rituals (bedtime talks, morning cuddles, after-school check-ins).
    • Engage in shared activities the child enjoys.
    • Sit close; offer physical affection without pressure.
    • Find a hobby together

    5. Reduce Competing Attachments (Gently, Without Shame)

    Peer orientation forms when peers become the primary attachment figures. This is NOT about forbidding friends. It is about restoring the adult as the attachment leader but cannot be done through force, and best to develop respect, trust and availability earlier in a child’s development.

    To shift this:

    • Limit unsupervised peer time.
    • Reduce dependence on digital peer culture (social media, texting, time limits on phones after a certain time of the night).
    • Favour structured peer engagement where adults are present.
    • Encourage connection with multiple caring adults (“the attachment village”).

    6. Developing Resonance with Your Child

    Before guiding the child to change behaviour, elicit help we have to have connection before we have influence, match their emotional state. Neufeld calls this “getting in sync“, or we call it coming into resonance. This is very simply to ‘connect before correct’. As a parent you are developing sensitivity to your child, rather than telling them what to do.

    Connection > correction. Attune first → then guide.

    For example:

    • If they’re sad → speak softly.
    • If they’re angry → be steady and calm.
    • If they’re overwhelmed → slow everything down.

    7. Shield the Child from Premature Independence

    As parents are less supported by their communities, children are asked to be independent earlier. Therefore to shift a child from peer orientation parents need to create a home environment where the child can be dependent again, safely. We are not talking about disempowering them, or doing everything for them but to work with mutuality, guidance and support. Dependency (in childhood) lays the groundwork for true independence later. Peer orientation forces kids into:

    • early independence
    • emotional hardening
    • attachment suppression

    Parents who are move avoidantly attached will more likely value achievements and appearance over connection, and value independence over relationship connection, therefore parents may need to look at their own upbringing, attachment styles and how this effects connection with those around them, including their children.

    8. Be the Answer to Their Needs

    Neufeld says children instinctively follow the adult who meets their attachment needs best. If there is no adult the child orients to their peers for guidance, and with inexperienced friends all sorts of things start to go wrong. When you’re the safe harbour → you become the primary attachment again.

    So ask:

    • “Where can I be more available?”
    • “Where can I offer comfort?”
    • “Where can I make life easier to rest in?”

    Be the one they turn to when they are scared, sad, confused, overwhelmed, excited and proud. These are those moments when we need to pause what we are doing and connect.

    9. Repair Ruptures Quickly and Warmly

    Conflict if not repaired goes into long term memory and with developing brains this creates disconnection, misunderstandings and isolation. Therefore being able to full on your sword as a parent, so to speak, is to admit when you are wrong, when you stuffed up, when you yelled or got overwhelmed and own it to your child, not for them to look after you, but to take responsibility, this not only models but relieves the child of their own world of pain.
    In parent-child relationships, repair is even more crucial. repairing teaches children that the relationship is not threatened and it is safe to stuff at times. “Our connection is safe, even when things go wrong.”

    Repair looks like:

    • Softening.
    • Reconnecting.
    • Acknowledging your part without shame.
    • Showing the relationship is secure despite conflict.
    • Owning your part in the rupture
    • Finding ways to repair and reconnect

    10. Give the Child a Sense of Significance & Specialness

    Parents must delight in their child regularly—without conditions. Delight is attachment glue. We all need to be made to feel special in at least one person’s eyes. Children attach to those who make them feel:

    • seen
    • valued
    • enjoyed
    • wanted

    11. Deepen Attachment Through the Six Layers

    Parents who become mindful of the different layers of attachment find it easier to reconnect with the child at every attachment stage:

    1. Proximity – be physically & emotionally near
    2. Sameness – create shared rituals & interests
    3. Belonging/Loyalty – build family identity (“we”)
    4. Significance – show they matter deeply to you
    5. Love – nurture emotional warmth
    6. Being Known – invite sharing of inner thoughts

    If a child is stuck in any layer, rebuild that layer with intentional practices.

    SUMMARY

    Often parents lack the skills, or modelling in their own lives to be able to communicate in a way that is heard, or navigate conflict in a way where power over is not used. In some sense the software is missing. Therefore programs like ‘Effective Communication Training’ are essential to upgrade our emotional intelligence and social-emotional skills to help our children navigate theirs and our connection with them.

    To re-establish yourself as the primary attachment figure:

    1. Collect the child regularly.
    2. Restore proximity and daily connection rituals.
    3. Lead with warm leadership presence.
    4. Reduce competing attachments without alienating them.
    5. Strengthen all six layers of attachment.
    6. Invite closeness; don’t demand it.
    7. Repair ruptures quickly and warmly.
    8. Be emotionally accessible and deeply caring.
    9. Show delight and significance.
    10. Be patient, steady, and dependable.

    When a parent becomes the child’s emotional home again, peer orientation naturally fades and children are able to navigate the competing forces of peers from the safe place of family. Connection restores itself, children become more regulated as do their parents! They are able to achieve more in a secure functioning environment where they are held by their parents, their brains begin mature in that attachment bubble and able to concentrate and get on with life in a healthy way.

    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Resources

    Supporting Parents

    1. Effective Communication Training 4 part training program

    2. The Authentic Communicator 30 hour certified training program

    3. Addressing distressing beliefs about Children with ‘Inquiry Based Stress Reduction’ programs

    4. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld (Book)

    5. Connect Before Correct by Brenda Sutherland (Article)

    6. Gordon Neufeld Resources for Parents

    7. Chapter One of Hold on to your kids By Gordon Neufeld

    8. Being Our Children’s Answer, with Dr Gordon Neufeld

  • If in Doubt, Hug it Out

    If in Doubt, Hug it Out

    A little neuroscience hack!

    As we launch into everyday, and the outside world, it is important to create rituals that help you stay connected. One of those is the “Welcome Home Hug”.

    Now this is not the ordinary hug that entails a pat on the back!!

    This is a hug that when you arrive home the first thing you do is find the other, children, dogs, cats, emails do not come first, your partner does. And you give each other a hug.

    Don’t let go of the other until you are both “relaxed”!

    How do you know? Each others shoulders relax, their breathing gets deeper and you both feel connected again.

    The importance of this ritual is that you come into resonance with each other, sync your breath and your nervous systems. You create a safe sanctuary, a tether for each of you to go out into the world. Children anad adults alike gain enormous benefits from this simple ritual.

    Coming back home, we launch into a ‘Welcome Home Home’ as Dr Stan Tatkin calls it, where you leave the stress of the outside world, where it should be, outside the house and you are maintaining that bubble that keeps you safe, happy and connected.

    As a couple’s counsellor I prescribe to start with one hug a day right at the beginning, then work up to one entering the house after work, then further to at the end of the day. Watch the difference this makes.

    So if in doubt, hug it out!!

    ___________________________________________-

    Resources

    Dr Stan Tatkin’s ‘Welcome Home Hug’ in PACT work https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9FBdC2Kykg

    Solving Disconnections https://youtu.be/V7ohDhnltz8?si=gUxyaGA2MuWhCW62

    ‘4 Important New Discoveries About Hugging’, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-asymmetric-brain/202202/4-important-new-discoveries-about-hugging

  • Healing Beyond the Body: Transforming Illness Through Family Constellation Work

    Healing Beyond the Body: Transforming Illness Through Family Constellation Work

    When illness enters a person’s life, it often feels like a solitary battle, a confrontation between body and disease, self and fate. Yet, what if the roots of illness extended beyond the individual? What if our suffering also carried the echoes of those who came before us, our ancestors? Family Constellation work, developed by Bert Hellinger, offers a lens through which illness can be seen not only as a personal struggle, but as a message from the larger family system seeking harmony and resolution.

    A Client’s Encounter with Illness

    A client’s story: “When I first became ill with a persistent autoimmune condition that seemed to come out of nowhere and doctors struggled to change anything. I was consumed by questions of “Why me?”, “What did I do wrong?”  and a constant deep sadness that I could not connect to anything that had happened in my life. Conventional medicine provided partial relief, but the emotional weight of chronic pain and fatigue remained. It was during this time that I encountered Family Constellation therapy, a method that explores hidden family dynamics and loyalties that unconsciously shape our lives.

    In my first constellation session, I set up a representation of myself, my illness, and my family members using people in the group as stand-ins. What emerged was startling: the representative of my illness seemed deeply connected to my grandmother, a woman I had never met but whose life was marked by loss of a child early, abuse and silence. Through the unfolding of the constellation, I realized that my body was carrying something unspoken an inherited grief that had never found acknowledgment.”

    Understanding Family Constellations and Illness

    Family Constellation work views the family as an interconnected system governed by hidden orders of love. When these orders of belonging, social order, and equilibrium, are disturbed, for example, when a member is excluded, forgotten, or burdened with guilt, later generations may unconsciously carry the emotional weight of that imbalance. Illness can sometimes manifest as a symbolic expression of this systemic entanglement as it points to ancestors story. In other words we become symptom bearers of our ancestors.

    Stefan Hausner, one of the foremost practitioners who applied Family Constellation work specifically to physical illness, offers a profound understanding of this connection. In his book Even If It Costs Me My Life (2011), Hausner suggests that illness can be viewed as an expression of love, a way for an individual to remain loyal to a family member or to carry unresolved pain within the family system. He writes that symptoms often appear when something or someone in the system has been excluded or forgotten, and the illness serves to bring attention back to what has been denied.

    In the constellation process, a facilitator helps the client map out the family system. Representatives stand in for family members or abstract elements such as “illness,” “depression,” or “anxiety.” Through their movements and sensations, hidden dynamics become visible. The facilitator guides the process until a new picture is created for the family system, one based on truth, inclusion, and love ensuring the flow of love and support is restored.

    This systemic view does not deny biological or medical causes. Rather, it complements them by acknowledging the emotional and ancestral dimensions of health. Illness becomes a message, not punishment, but an invitation to restore belonging and balance in the family field.

    Transformation Through Seeing and Belonging

    The client went on to say ”In later constellations, I was able to face my grandmother’s pain with compassion and recognition. As I stood before her representative, I spoke the words that had long been missing: “I see your suffering, and I honour your fate. Out of my love for you I have carried your sadness, as I would have done anything for you. With deep respect I leave it with you as I am only the granddaughter here and this is too big for me. Please look friendly upon me as I do it differently.”

    In the weeks that followed, my physical symptoms softened. More profoundly, I felt lighter, as if the illness had shifted from being an enemy to being a messenger that had finally delivered its message. Family Constellation work did not “cure” my condition in the medical sense, but it transformed my relationship with it. The illness became part of a larger story, one that included love, loss, and ultimately, healing”.

    Family Constellation therapy offers a transformative approach to understanding illness — one that bridges the emotional, spiritual, and physical dimensions of health. Through the use of phenomenology we gain access to information not normally seen, to transform hidden dynamics being voiced in client’s symptoms. By revealing hidden family loyalties and unresolved grief, it helps individuals reclaim their rightful place in the family system and free themselves from burdens that are not truly theirs to bear. Healing, in this sense, is not just the absence of symptoms but the restoration of love and connection across generations.

    Bibliography

    • Hellinger, Bert. Acknowledging What Is: Conversations with Bert Hellinger. Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, 1999.
    • Hellinger, Bert, Gunthard Weber, and Hunter Beaumont. Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships. Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, 1998.
    • Hausner, Stefan. Even if it costs me my life. Gestalt Press 2011
    • Ulsamer, Bertold. The Healing Power of the Past: The Systemic Therapy of Bert Hellinger. Carl-Auer-Systeme Verlag, 2005.
    • Cohen, Dan. “Family Constellations and Illness: A Systemic Approach to Healing.” The Knowing Field: International Constellations Journal, Issue 22, 2013.
    • Schützenberger, Anne Ancelin. The Ancestor Syndrome: Transgenerational Psychotherapy and the Hidden Links in the Family Tree. Routledge, 1998.
  • Finding Freedom Through Four Questions: My Experience with The Work of Byron Katie

    Finding Freedom Through Four Questions: My Experience with The Work of Byron Katie

    I remember the moment clearly. I was sitting in my car, parked just outside my apartment, staring blankly through the windshield. My mind was spinning with thoughts like a stuck record: He shouldn’t have said that. How could he treat me that way? I’ve given everything to this relationship. I felt angry, heartbroken, and utterly powerless and my my was relentless!

    That’s when I remembered The Work of Byron Katie.

    I’d heard about it before — a simple process of inquiry that invites you to examine your stressful thoughts. Four questions and a few “turnarounds” that somehow help people find peace, even in the most painful situations. At the time, I was skeptical. How could four questions possibly help me untangle this mess?

    Still, I was desperate enough to try as I just wanted peace.

    Starting Self Enquiry with The work

    I took a deep breath, pulled out my journal, and wrote the thought that was hurting the most:
    “He doesn’t care about me.”

    Then I asked the first question:
    1. Is it true?

    My immediate reaction was Yes, of course it’s true! But I knew the process was asking me to slow down. So I sat with it and went into my heart.

    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    This question cracked something open. Absolutely know? No. I couldn’t. I could assume, guess, interpret — but I didn’t know what was going on in his heart.

    3. How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
    That was easy: I shut down. I stew in resentment. I rehearse arguments in my head. I build a case against him. I isolate. I become someone I don’t like.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?
    Without the thought “He doesn’t care about me,” I imagined myself sitting in the car feeling hurt, yes — but without the added poison of judgment. I could allow the pain of the moment without turning it into a story of betrayal. I might even be open to curiosity or compassion — for myself and for him.

    Turning it Around and Bringing Peace Home

    Then came the turnarounds. This is where you take the original statement and flip it in different directions to see what else might be true.

    • “He doesn’t care about me” became:
      • I don’t care about me.
      • I don’t care about him.
      • He does care about me.

    Each one felt uncomfortable as I met reality, but interesting. I explored them askign myself where these turnarounds were truer than my stressful thinking:

    • I don’t care about me — I realized I’d been abandoning myself emotionally, outsourcing my well-being to his approval. That stung, but it was empowering too. If I was the one neglecting myself, maybe I could also be the one to care for myself.
    • I don’t care about him — I had been so caught up in being right that I hadn’t tried to understand where he was coming from. That didn’t excuse his behavior, but it reminded me that I had shut down empathy.
    • He does care about me — This one was hard to accept at first. But then I remembered times he’d shown care, even subtly. The story wasn’t black and white.

    A Quiet Shift

    I didn’t walk away from that inquiry with a perfect resolution. The relationship still had its problems. But I walked away with something more valuable: clarity, peace and meeting reality as it is rather than my head arguing with it and making up stories that kept me awake all night.

    The pain wasn’t just coming from the situation — it was coming from my unquestioned thoughts about it. The Work didn’t change what happened, but it changed how I experienced it. And that shift made all the difference.

    I’ve used The Work many times since that day. On thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “They’re judging me,” or “This shouldn’t be happening,” or “Somethings wrong with me.” Each time, the process feels like holding a mirror up to my mind — not to judge it or shame it, as minds do what minds do, but to understand it. To loosen the grip of stories that keep me stuck and stressed.

    Why It Works

    The beauty of The Work is in its simplicity. Byron Katie doesn’t ask us to suppress our thoughts or replace them with positive affirmations. She simply invites us to question them — deeply and honestly. And in that questioning, space opens up.

    What I’ve learned is that truth, when it’s discovered rather than imposed, is incredibly kind. It doesn’t scold. It doesn’t shame. It just reveals what’s been hidden by fear or habit.

    And in that light, even the most painful thoughts can begin to dissolve.

    Final Thoughts

    If you’re struggling with a painful situation or a recurring belief that keeps you small or stuck, I encourage you to try The Work. Start with one stressful thought. Ask the four questions. Turn it around. See what you find.

    You might not get fireworks. But you might get something quieter and more lasting: peace.

    And sometimes, that’s enough to change everything.

    Suggested Reading

    • Katie, B., & Mitchell, S. (2002). Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Harmony Books.
    • The Work of Byron Katie. (n.d.). Thework.com. Retrieved from https://thework.com
    • Katie, B. (2007). I Need Your Love—Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. Harmony Books.
    • Katie, B. (2008). Question Your Thinking, Change the World: Quotations from Byron Katie. Hay House.
  • The Neuroscience of Journalling

    The Neuroscience of Journalling

    Journaling and Its Psychological Effects: How Writing Can Improve Your Mental Health (With Daily Tips)

    In the digital age where stress, anxiety, and emotional burnout are increasingly common, journaling offers a powerful — yet often overlooked — way to manage mental health. Backed by psychological research, journaling helps you process thoughts, regulate emotions, and build resilience. It’s free, simple, and highly adaptable to your personal needs.

    “About a year ago, I hit a wall. I was working 60+ hour weeks, dealing with relationship tension, and trying to pretend everything was fine. Inside, I felt anxious all the time, emotionally numb, and completely exhausted. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it — I didn’t have the words. That’s when I started journaling again — something I hadn’t done since college.”

    “At first, I just brain-dumped every morning. It wasn’t pretty or profound — just raw, messy thoughts. But within a few weeks, patterns started to emerge. I realized how often I used perfectionism to avoid my feelings. I also noticed how disconnected I had become from the things I loved — drawing, hiking, quiet mornings.”

    “Journaling helped me slow down enough to hear what I needed. I started setting boundaries at work, being more honest in my relationship, and taking better care of myself. It wasn’t a magical fix, but it gave me a safe space to come back to each day — a place where I could show up as I was, not who I thought I ‘should’ be.”

    “Now, journaling is part of my morning routine. Sometimes it’s just one sentence. Sometimes it’s three pages. But every time, it brings me back to myself.” Maya, creative professional 32 yrs.

    Journaling is more than a habit or hobby; it is a neuroscientific and psychological intervention with measurable effects. By engaging brain systems related to emotion, memory, and executive function, journaling offers a low-cost, accessible, and deeply personal path to mental wellness. Whether you’re processing trauma, managing anxiety, or simply seeking clarity, a blank page can be one of the most powerful tools in your mental health toolkit.

    The Neuroscience of Journalling

    1. Activation of the Prefrontal Cortex

    When you write about your thoughts and emotions, particularly in a structured or reflective way, it engages the prefrontal cortex — the brain region involved in reasoning, planning, and emotional regulation. This activation helps you make sense of emotional experiences, reducing their intensity and helping to process them more rationally.

    A 2007 UCLA study led by Dr. Matthew Lieberman found that affect labeling — the act of putting feelings into words — reduces activity in the amygdala, the brain’s threat detection center, while increasing activity in the prefrontal cortex. In simple terms, writing about emotions can calm the brain’s alarm system.

    2. Improved Working Memory and Executive Function

    Journaling can offload mental clutter, allowing the brain to better focus on higher-order tasks. This is particularly relevant for people with anxiety, whose working memory can be hijacked by intrusive thoughts. Regular expressive writing has been shown to free up cognitive resources, improving attention and problem-solving.

    3. Neuroplasticity and Rewiring the Brain

    Consistent journaling promotes neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to form and reorganize synaptic connections in response to learning or experience. Practices like gratitude journaling, for example, can strengthen neural pathways associated with positive emotions and resilience. Over time, this can subtly shift one’s default mindset away from negativity and rumination toward more balanced or optimistic thinking.

    Psychological Benefits of Journaling

    1. Emotional Regulation

    Writing helps translate overwhelming emotions into language. This process engages the rational part of the brain (prefrontal cortex), which soothes emotional responses from the more reactive limbic system. Over time, journaling helps you respond to emotions thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

    The benefits are reduced emotional outbursts, better mood management, and increased inner calm.

    2. Reduced Anxiety and Depression

    Expressive journaling — writing about difficult thoughts and emotions — has been shown to lower symptoms of anxiety and depression. According to studies by Dr. James Pennebaker, people who journal regularly experience improved emotional and even physical health.

    The benefits are less rumination, better stress response, and more psychological resilience.

    3. Increased Self-Awareness

    Journaling acts like a mirror for the mind. You begin to notice patterns in your thoughts, behaviors, and emotional triggers. This heightened self-awareness can lead to better decision-making and personal growth.

    The benefits are you gain insight into what truly drives your emotions and actions.

    4. Improved Mental Clarity

    Journaling helps untangle complex thoughts. When you write, you create order out of chaos, which boosts mental clarity and makes problem-solving easier.

    The benefits are less mental clutter, better focus, and more confident choices.

    5. Stronger Sense of Gratitude and Positivity

    When you consistently reflect on what’s going well, your brain becomes better at spotting the good. Gratitude journaling rewires your brain to favour optimism over negativity.

    The benefits are enhanced mood, better relationships, and improved overall life satisfaction.

    Whether you’re navigating everyday stress or working through deeper emotional challenges, journaling can become a safe space for self-reflection, clarity, and healing. Below, we explore the psychological benefits of journaling and offer daily journaling tips to help you start and sustain the habit.

    Types of Journaling and Their Effects

    Different forms of journaling have different psychological and neurological effects:

    Goal-Oriented Journaling: Tracking achievements and plans; boosts motivation and cognitive focus.

    Expressive Writing: Writing about trauma or emotions; enhances emotional processing and reduces stress.

    Gratitude Journaling: Listing things you’re thankful for; increases positive affect and reduces depression.

    Reflective Journaling: Exploring thoughts and behaviors; supports learning, growth, and emotional insight.

    Practical Tips for Effective Journaling

    1. Be Consistent: Even a few minutes a day can have cumulative benefits.
    2. Don’t Censor Yourself: Let thoughts flow freely; this isn’t a writing contest.
    3. Use Prompts if Stuck: Try questions like “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need?”
    4. Write by Hand if Possible: While digital journaling is effective, handwriting may enhance emotional processing by engaging more brain areas.
    5. Keep it Private: The more honest you are, the more powerful the effect — so ensure your journal feels safe.

    Daily Journaling Tips for Mental Wellness

    Building a journaling habit doesn’t have to be time-consuming or overwhelming. Here are practical tips and prompt ideas to get you started — and keep going. You may even like to create a 7 day journalling challenge for yourself with the prompts

    1. Start Small — 5 Minutes is Enough

    You don’t need to write a novel. A few sentences can make a big difference. Set a timer for 5 minutes and write whatever comes to mind.

    Daily Prompt: “What’s one thing I’m feeling right now, and why might I be feeling it?”

    2. Gratitude Grounding

    Cultivate a mindset of appreciation and positivity which changes your neurological pathways.

    Writing down 3–5 things you’re grateful for each morning can set a positive tone for the day.

    Daily Prompts: “Today, I’m grateful for…” or “One small good thing that happened today/yesterday was…”

    • List 3 small things you’re grateful for today.
    • Who or what made your day a little better this week?
    • What’s something you often take for granted but deeply value?

    3. Brain Dump Before Bed

    If you struggle with overthinking at night, try a “brain dump” — writing everything that’s on your mind before sleep.

    Daily Prompt:“Right now, I need to let go of…” or “What’s weighing on me?”

    4. Emotional Release

    Write freely about what’s been bothering you — no filters.

    Daily Prompts:

    • What’s been weighing on me emotionally?
    • What do I wish I could say to someone — or myself?
    • What am I ready to let go of?

    5. Self Compassion

    Speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend.

    Prompts:

    • What have I been hard on myself about lately?
    • What would I say to a friend going through the same thing?
    • Today, I forgive myself for…
    • What would someone who loves me say to me right now?

    6. Clarifying Priorities

    Identify what truly matters and where your energy should go. What do you value? Where do you want to put your energy and focus?

    Prompts:

    • What are my current top 3 priorities?
    • Where am I spending time or energy that doesn’t serve me?
    • What would I do more of if I trusted myself?

    7: Visioning the Future

    Imagine and define what you want in the weeks or months ahead. Cultivating hope in the midst of overwhelm.

    Prompts:

    • In 3 months, how do I want to feel?
    • What kind of person am I becoming?
    • What’s one small step I can take this week to move toward that vision?

    Day of Reflection & Integration

    Look back at what you’ve written this week and reflect on the journey.

    Prompts:

    • What did I learn about myself this week?
    • What was the most surprising or powerful insight?
    • How can I continue supporting myself after this challenge?

    Staying Consistent

    • Set a specific time (e.g., after your morning coffee or before bed).
    • Keep your journal in sight — visual reminders work.
    • Use a digital app or physical notebook, depending on your preference.
    • Don’t aim for perfection — just write honestly.
    • Track your progress and how it is helping you – weekly

    Journaling is more than just writing — it’s an act of self-connection. With just a few minutes each day, you can reduce stress, gain emotional clarity, and take better care of your mental health. No fancy tools or deep writing skills required — just a willingness to pause, reflect, and be honest with yourself.

    Over time, you’ll likely find that your journal becomes a trusted companion — a space where your thoughts make sense, your emotions feel seen, and your growth is documented.

    __________________________________________________________________________________________

    Ready to Start?

    Grab a journal, make a time you can keep daily and simply start. use the prompts above if you need help daily.

    Write how it worked for you in the comments below, as we would love to hear.

    __________________________________________________________________________________________

    Bibliography

    Pennebaker, J.W., & Beall, S.K. (1986). Confronting a traumatic event: Toward an understanding of inhibition and disease.

    Lieberman, M.D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli.

    Smyth, J.M. (1998). Written emotional expression: effect sizes, outcome types, and moderating variables.

  • The Neuroscience of Enquiry: How 4 Questions Can Rewire Your Brain

    The Neuroscience of Enquiry: How 4 Questions Can Rewire Your Brain

    Have you ever caught yourself spiralling into stress over a single thought? Maybe it’s “I’m not good enough,” or “They don’t respect me.” That one belief, left unchecked, can shape your emotions, your reactions, your body and even your relationships.


    A single unchecked thought can hijack your entire nervous system! One moment, you’re fine, and the next, you’re spiralling—heart pounding, stomach in knots, mind racing through every worst-case scenario like it’s training for the apocalypse.


    But what if questioning your thoughts could actually change your brain?
    This is where The Work of Byron Katie comes in—a deceptively simple practice that has profound effects on how we think, feel, and respond to life. And science backs it up. From neuroplasticity to emotional regulation, The Work of Byron Katie provides a profound mechanism that can reshape the brain.

    How Stressful Thoughts Get Stuck in the Brain


    Think of your brain like a well-worn hiking trail. Every time you believe a stressful thought, your brain strengthens that pathway and it gets more entrenched. It works like this:
    Negative Thought:“They don’t respect me.”
    Emotional Reaction: Anger, sadness, or withdrawal.
    Brain’s Response: The amygdala (your brain’s threat detector) lights up, reinforcing the belief.
    Cycle Continues: Over time, this thought becomes transparent and automatic.
    Your brain is designed to be efficient—it wants to protect you, so it strengthens beliefs that seem to “keep you safe.” The problem? Many of these thoughts aren’t true. They’re just interpretations of a reality.

    The Work as a Brain-Rewiring Tool


    Byron Katie’s four questionsand turnarounds might seem too simple to be life-changing, but let’s look at what they actually do to your brain:


    1️. Is it true? Interrupts automatic thinking. Forces your prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain) to pause instead of reacting.


    2️. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Creates cognitive flexibility. The brain starts loosening its grip on rigid beliefs, making space for alternative perspectives.
    The first two questions force your prefrontal cortex (the rational part of the brain) to slow down and reconsider automatic assumptions. Our executive functioning, those ambassadors come back online. 


    3️. How do you react when you believe that thought? Activates self-awareness. Your body’s stress response becomes visible—this is where real change begins. The third question builds metacognition, making you more aware of how your thoughts shape your emotional state.


    4️. Who would you be without that thought? Stimulates neuroplasticity. Your brain starts rewiring new pathways, shifting toward calm, clarity, and curiosity.
    And then comes the turnarounds—a plot twist for your mind. Instead of clinging to one rigid perspective, or that well worn hiking trail, you flip it:


    “They don’t respect me” → “I don’t respect them” → “I don’t respect myself.”


    Wait, what? Now, instead of being trapped in blame, you have an opening. A chance to see the situation differently, to experience it differently in the body, have choices again as you begin to find where that is true in your life. 
    Over time, practising The Work weakens old, stress-inducing feedback loops and strengthens new ones based on curiosity, openness, and clarity.

    Meet Sarah: The Thought That Changed Everything


    Imagine Sarah, a university student caught in a relentless loop of self-doubt. Every time she sits down to study, a familiar thought creeps in: “I’ll never be successful.” The more she believes it, the heavier it feels—anxiety sets in, motivation fades, and the cycle tightens its grip.
    One day, she comes across The Work of Byron Katie and, almost sceptically, asks herself the first question: “Is it true?” For the first time, she pauses. Can she absolutely know that it’s true? The certainty begins to crack. As she moves through the four questions, something shifts. The thought that once felt like an absolute truth now feels… optional.
    Her turnaround? “I am successful.” (In truth, there are already ways in which Sarah is successful and is a success and her brain starts to spark (those synapses start rewiring) as she remembers many. Success is not a fixed outcome but an ongoing process).
    OR
    “ I am a success”. (In truth, success isn’t only measured by external achievements. Sarah has grown, learned, and accomplished things in many ways that matter).
    This is not a forced affirmation, but a quiet recognition of truth and endless possibilities.

    Weeks pass, and Sarah notices something strange. The old thought still visits, but it no longer controls her. Anxiety loosens its grip. Motivation returns. Her brain—once locked in self-criticism—is learning a new way forward, not through blind positivity, but through the simple act of questioning the stressful thoughts to see if they are valid or true or not!

    The Science of Inner Freedom


    The beauty of The Work of Byron Katie isn’t just in the relief it brings—it’s in how it rewires the brain for lasting change.
    Reduces emotional reactivity: By calming the amygdala.
    Strengthens cognitive flexibility: By activating the prefrontal cortex and executive functioning.
    Promotes resilience: By fostering new, empowering thought patterns.
    As we dive into the neuroscience of The Work, one fundamental truth emerges: thoughts, in themselves, are neutral. It’s our unquestioned belief in them that causes suffering. When we believe a stressful thought, our brain reacts as if it’s reality—triggering the amygdala, fuelling stress hormones, and reinforcing well-worn neural pathways.

    But as Byron Katie reminds us:
    “A thought is just a thought. It’s not personal until you believe it.”


    This is where The Work becomes so powerful. By questioning our thoughts, we loosen their grip, interrupt the brain’s automatic stress responses, and create space for clarity. Instead of being held hostage by our thinking, we step into the role of observer—curious, open, and free.
    The next time a thought tightens its grip, turn toward it with curiosity. Let these four questions be lanterns in the fog, unravelling the illusions that bind you, rewiring your mind, and leading you back to the freedom that was always yours.

    ~ Written by Ami Besson (Integrative Therapist at The Awakening Group)

  • Bring Back the Spark Challenge

    Bring Back the Spark Challenge

    Every Behaviour is Trying to Get a Need Met

    You may know that I counsel couples, having trained with Dr Stan Tatkin, Dr Tammy Nelson, Dr Emily Nagoski, and been one of the top tantra teachers in the 90s. I’m a romantic, but over the years I have seen that love is a skill, not just a verb!


    Esther Perel talks about the 7 Verbs That Shape the Way You Love that include: To Ask, To Take, To Receive, To Give, To Share, to Refuse, To Play and Imagine. Some verbs we are stronger in as we have had the modelling growing up and some we need to practice more, for some people, this is to ask, or to refuse!
    In relationships we often ask of our partners to be someone they have no idea how to be, they haven’t developed the skills through modelling, we even fight for it thinking this will change it, rather than see it as lacking the internal software that needs support in developing. We have this hidden concept of normal that we expect the other to meet, without ever discussing. ie ‘My expectations in this relationship are….(Add yours here).’ ‘What I would like to be guaranteed in this relationship is…..(Add yours here)’. ‘What I can guarantee in this relationship is …(add yours here)’.
    Inherent in our protest behaviour or the push and pull, are fundamental needs that are trying to be met. Often in relationships the fundamental needs driving behaviour are:

    • Do I matter to you? (Matter)
    • Am I safe? (Safety)
    • Are we connected? (Connection)

    Words are not enough!
    Graduating from Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, Max Neef developed a more comprehensive list of fundamental needs.  Inherent in every behaviour is a need trying to get met yet we have not taken the time to identify the need that is eliciting the behaviour.
    So here are a few pointers:

    • Identify a behaviour that you keep doing, or a reaction that you have.
    • Is there a solution you are asking the other to give you? or fighting for?
    • Ask yourself, ‘If I had this solution, what would it then give me?’
    • Use the Needs sheet  to identify the need that is trying to be met
    • Then ask yourself, ‘How could I begin to give myself this need?’
    • Then ask yourself, ‘How can I ask another to support me with this need?’ Remember there are only conflict of solutions, there are never conflict of needs.
    • Putting it into a sentence whilst staying close to your own needs means owning the problem. The sentence could look something like this,

    “I miss connecting (need) with you and I find myself getting overwhelm when I don’t feel connected. Would you be willing to make some time to do something together throughout this week, so that I feel closer to you?”

    • Pop the need in the middle of the relationship for both to take care of rather than expecting one person to satisfy all your needs. Shift from pro-self and just getting your need me at the expense of the other, to pro-team (the WE gig) where both parties get their needs met. This not only strengthens the relationship, self esteem of each other, but also meets the needs for fairness, mutuality, sensitivity and justice. 

    I propose a 30 day challenge, supported with a few tips and that is to ‘Bring the Spark Back Challenge‘. Over the next month find ways to bring the spark back in your relationship such as:

    • listen for needs; your own and your partner’s,
    • to find ways to connect, intimately or otherwise
    • to support novel experiences (creates new connections and long term memory)
    • rediscover what you do well together
    • make time to find what you can both do better in the relationship
    • play and imagine – what are you favourite games?
    • discover how to make each other laugh, then rinse and repeat
    • discover how to bring out the best in each other, so you get the best from your partner!

    As a community this is an opportunity to share your experiences your insights, what works for you and what doesn’t. We would love to hear from you

    Bring Back the Spark Challenge starts today!

  • Ten Keys to Thriving

    Ten Keys to Thriving

    When life throws you lemons here are keys to thriving rather than just coping!

    Over the last 35 years I have been experimenting with how to regulate the nervous system, change the brain, and to rest in who we really are. Here is my top 10 practices:

    1. At the beginning of the day, before you jump out of bed, Create your Day: that is consciously create the day that you want to live. Combine thoughts with feelings to create. Don’t vision up something you can’t want to live. If your brain says ‘No’ to something you really want bring Compassion to that part and say “I am so sorry that it feels undeserving, not good enough” etc until it comes back to peace and stillness. Then Create your day again. Start small if you like then as you gain more confidence add bigger hearts desires. Start with “Today I will experience….”
    1. Before you wire your brain to a device, wire your brain to the truth of who you are, nature and meditate first thing in the morning, ideal on the earth outside as the morning sun is rising. Yogic or active meditations are more apt for the western mind and body as they burn up cellular memory whilst aligning you with true consciousness and peace. Develop a spiritual practice that supports the realisation of who you really beyond the neurosis of the mind. A powerful place to start the day from.
    1. Exercise, Diet and Sleep – our bodies crave exercise, oxygenating the body and brain in the morning means, for instance the hippocampus enlarges creating more ease in making all those decisions throughout the day. Find an exercise practise that energises your body and brings your mind to quiet. Ensure that you take care of your sleep and find the diet that most suits your body, it maybe the opposite of what you are doing right now!
    1. Sunshine; Go Outside at least once a day and sit in the sun – we are light and vitamin D deprived resulting in low immune system, digestive issues, exhaustion and depression etc. D Minder App helps monitor your sun exposure to ensure you are getting enough vitamin D. 
    1. Gratitude is the Attitude Throughout the day keep a journal and not only writing in it but drawing in it so the right hemisphere of the brain is engaged. This changes the way you see the world and helps prevents the consequences of complaining and the negative bias in the brain.
    1. Take care of your relationships so they take care of you. Healthy relationships are the biggest predictor to longevity. Create daily connection rituals with your partner or friends daily. We are social creatures and from a psychobiological approach we are wired to each other. Not only does this prevent the effects of loneliness but also wires your brain for secure functioning, knowing that someone else has your back, you are a team and you are supported out in the world. Furthermore it regulates your nervous system. This is social medicine! Connection Rituals, 10 Keys to Couples Communication.
    1. Question stressful thoughts with The Work of Byron Katie so they let go of you, therefore the way you see the world changes, reduces stress, creates ease and peace. Without the stressful thoughts conflict is reduced, you come into resonance with a whole other reality you couldn’t see before and how life truly does support you. How Beliefs Work
    1. Develop Healthy Habits that change your brain, body and energy bringing about a work life balance. Dan Seigel created the Healthy Mind Platter outlining the optimum balance for healthy brain function. Find habits that allow you to rest, be active, create down time as well as social time, and focus time. Too much of one means our body brain will at some point ask us to stop!
    1. Know how to deal with feelings so they do not rule you. Direct Experience, Emotional Freedom Technique, Compassionate Key work, Internal Family Systems Therapy, find what works for you. Feelings are energy, therefore if you resist them they get locked in your body, if you surrender to them they transmute and alchemise into consciousness and peace. Resistance is the only cause of emotional pain! All the Feels Series on Spotify to support you along the way! Become a master of your own internal emotional ecology. 
    1. Viktor Frankl once said “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” “Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run—in the long-run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it” – Brave the Wilderness, listen to that inner voice and live it!

  • I Am So Sorry

    I Am So Sorry

    Recently I experienced a deep hurt and betrayal, something I had not experienced for a very long time. What was surprising amongst the directly experiencing the feelings of rage, hatred, anger, hurt and despair was a part of me that was simply watching the experience. I am not talking about dissociation, as I was right in there experiencing all the feels, yet another part was aware of experience of it, the energy of it, the pure energy of the feelings.

    So with the help of a dear colleague, we all need friends in a time of crisis, we began to say sorry to that part of me who experienced the sadness, grief, despair, betrayal, the rage, the feeling of never good enough, trying to prove myself, the rejection, being unseen, unheard, the list was endless.

    When was the last time someone apologised for what they did and it really got in?

    The surprisingly simple result was that the feelings came and went as I directly experienced them, they simply washed through me. So I kept going into the hurt and fears as a child and how this instance related to those unhealed times. What was left was pure energy of me, life itself, peace.

    So I wanted to share this with you in the hope that those very challenging experiences get easier and you do not lose yourself in the midst of distress and heartbreak.

    Find the Part of You Who Is Distressed

    Take a moment to drop into your body, just how it is, with all the feels, and simply notice that there is a part of you distressed, overwhelmed, confused, hurting…etc

    Breathe with that part, maybe even put your hand on your heart to support that part.

    Begin to say to this part quietly within, whilst adding your own feelings:

    “I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”

    Drop into the feeling, deeply allowing that part of you to experience how it is/was, as well as acknowledging how it is for that part. Saying yes to that part who tries so hard to have their story told, and how it was/is for them.

    Then to say the sentence out loud to that part. “I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”

    Drop into the next feeling and what is there and repeat the process, each time directly experiencing, surrendering to the feeling in the body with that part, like holding a friends hand whilst they grieve.

    Apologising

    Here are some examples of feelings and ways to acknowledge the reality of that part:

    “I am so sorry you felt betrayed….”

    “I am so sorry you were made to feel ……”

    “I am so sorry they didn’t see you….”

    “I am so sorry you never felt enough……”

    “I am so sorry you felt as though you didn’t matter…..”

    “I am so sorry you……”

    “I am sorry you…”

    Keep going until there is just peace.

    This work is inspired by Internal Family Systems Therapy, Compassionate Key work as well as the Hawaiian healing practice, Ho’oponopono, one of forgiveness and reconciliation that restores harmony within you and around you.

    Daily Practice

    When things get tough, a daily practice is essential to keep vigilant in meeting the energy that is struggling to be digested, integrated and felt. Add complex grief in there, where trauma is intermixed with grief, you have a wild ride of feelings.

    Taking time to sit with the parts of us who got hurt, frightened, overwhelmed and distressed, to connect to that part and apologise helps create new neurological pathways, burns up cellular memory and uses memory reconstruction to heal long forgotten parts of us that still get triggered in our everyday life. What shows up is the experience of coming home to yourself and the peace of who you really are.

    You may like to set some time aside everyday to sit and connect with this part, to drop into the body and begin to find the feelings trying to be seen and start to say, “I am so sorry you feel so frightened (insert your feeling here)”, “I am sorry you felt like you…….” etc

    Then see what changes in your life.

    _______________________________________

    Written by Brenda Sutherland (Founding Director of The Awakening Group)

    We would love to hear what changes in your life. Simply add your comments below.

  • Gratitude is the Attitude

    Gratitude is the Attitude

    Recently I took a break and ticked off a bucket list expedition and kayaked amongst the islands of Raja Ampat in Indonesian West Papua, on the border of the Indian and Pacific Oceans. Every day was filled with simple activities such as kayaking, and snorkelling. We kayaked about 70 kms, which isn’t that much but the tides and currents here are on steroids! Each night we stayed in rudimentary huts and were catered for by the local families which involved simple foods of rice, fish or chicken and vegetables, which we grew to appreciate and love.

    Stroke by stroke I found my agitation and stress drop away and an ease appear in my body, despite the long hours of paddling. I watched my mind and it’s default to complaining about the little things or looking out wards to find something wrong simply quieten, where nothing was an issue. After awhile the rhythm of the waves became an internal movement, where my breath seemed to resonant with the flow of the waves. This lasted for days after our expedition was over yet remained soothing throughout the rest of my travels in Indonesia. One can go into the neuroscience of water, and how it soothes the nervous system, as does Wallace Nichols in his book ‘Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, In, On, or Under Water Can Make You Happier, Healthier, More Connected, and Better at What You Do’, and as a sailor, kayaker, ocean swimmer for many years I can vouch for this, but the main insight I wanted to share was how it stopped the negative bias in my brain.

    As a therapist the majority of the time I hear the challenging sides of relationships, of life, of events and I have noticed over the last while how I began to complain, not just a little but as a habit, a bad habit. So I got thinking while I was paddling, what is complaining, why do we complain and what can be do about it?

    Neuroscience of Complaining

    Complaining shrinks our hippocampus, which is the part of our brain that is responsible for memory, learning and emotions. Just listening to complaining for just 30 minutes shrinks the hippocampus! Complaining also releases cortisol shifting our nervous system into sympathetic arousal, so we get stuck on fight or flight. Complaining then becomes addictive as it rewires our brain to continue to focus on the negative bias, in turn undermining our immune system. Therefore complaining undermines our mental, emotional and physical health. 

    Addictive or Symptomatic?

    So I got thinking, is complaining addictive or symptomatic of something that is not congruent in our lives or is it indicative of unresolved emotions? The answer I came up with is both. Many unresolved issues such as grief, heartbreak and unmetabolised trauma, outwardly appear as being disgruntled with the world, the people around us and the little things that don’t go our way. The more unhappy we are the more we complain, the more we complain the more there is to complain about as the brain gears up to focus on the negative.

    Cure from the Affects of Complaining

    Which brings me to to the question, what is the cure to stop complaining and reinvigorate our lives and nervous systems, our immune system and our mental health?
    Firstly, we have to look at our lives and see if we are living in congruence with our heart’s desire, which is easier said than done, but can we balance our life out more to allow room for the things, practices that keep us inspired and joyous? Such as when was the last time you had some down time, a novel experience, connection with dear friends or family, did something for you, deeply rested, had a good laugh or cry (to let the lid off the pressure cooker?). See the article on the Healthy Mind Platter and the basis to change habits successfully.

    Secondly, is there something that you complain about a lot? Something that gets recycled over and over again, or are you just disgruntled with life? If there is something that regularly appears in your mind that distresses you, then the invitation is to look at this and the possibility that there is unresolved emotions underneath the complaining that need to be addressed, expressed, shared or aligned, so they stop trying to be resolved in your everyday experiences.     

    Is it an unexamined belief that owns your perception of life that needs to be brought to enquiry using The Work of Byron Katie? See How Beliefs Work. Or is it where needs are not being met in relationships whether at home or at work? SeeThere is Never a Conflict of Needs or the way that you are getting your message across is not being heard or understood in your relationships?. See Ten Top Keys to Couple Communication.

    Thirdly, has complaining become a way to connect with others? Our culture seems to complain a lot to each other, whether on social media or hanging with friends, it is an opportunity to complain about others, what is not working, or going badly, which we have every right to do, yet do we make room for celebrating too? Many grew up with complaining and criticising others as a way to connect and belong in our families, rather than celebrating the wins, each other, the love and encouraging the other through acknowledging their strengths..

    Gratitude is the Attitude 

    So as I was paddling, which is a bilateral movement, harmonising the brain, the cure first and foremost is to find something you are grateful for right in this moment. 
    Gratitude stops one going down the negative bias in the brain, it also produces dopamine and serotonin creating a feelings of happiness and pleasure. 
    Gratitude:

    • reduces cortisol in the nervous system, and 
    • lowers blood pressure, as it ignites the parasympathetic nervous system, so we feel 
    • less stressed and more connected to others and life itself.
    • helps you concentrate more 
    • activates the hippocampus, the right inferior temporal gyrus and allows us to sleep better. 
    • reduces pain
    • activates the production of serotonin and dopamine
    • releases toxic emotions.. Studies have shown that hippocampus and amygdala, the two main sites regulating emotions, memory, and bodily functioning, get activated with feelings of gratitude.
    • reduces anxiety and depression. At the neurochemical level, feelings of gratitude are associated with an increase in the neural modulation of the prefrontal cortex, the brain site responsible for managing emotions such a guilt, shame and violence
    • activates the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, emotional regulation and empathy
    • It also creates new neural pathways! We are literally rewiring our brain.Gratitude activates the reward centre of the brain, changing the way we see the world and ourselves.
    • increases joy and pleasure in our lives

    Gratitude also strengthens out long term relationships and ourselves so that we can bounce back from life’s challenges more readily. Gratitude affects are multidimensional and it is more than good for our health and interpersonal relationships.

    That doesn’t mean we don’t talk about the things that are bothering us, our feelings and needs but what if we changed the way we are with the world through developing exercises that change the negative bias in the brain?

    Exercises to Change the Brain using Gratitude


    There are simple exercises that you can bring into your daily life that science has proven changes our nervous system, our experience of life, ourself and each other increasing positive feelings, reducing pain and improving our health on so many levels. Here is how….

    1. Gratitude Journal

    The act of writing our thoughts down has long been studied especially in regards to addressing trauma. Writing what we are grateful for down daily changes our brain. Start with the little things throughout the day. For instance, it could be the food you have to eat, the people you interacted with throughout the day, something you achieved, an insight, a connection, a meditative practice, a conversation, a challenge you overcame, or a habit you started to break.

      Writing it down, drawing it out changes the brain. Start with “Today I am grateful for….. “

      2. Who Am I positively?

      Being here in this moment, reading this article is an achievement. Looking back into your life what were the decisions you made that brought you to this moment? Thank yourself, the younger part of you that got you here whilst acknowledging what you have achieved, survived and thrived within.

      At times this is a difficult practice therefore take a moment and think of someone who you admire, their qualities and who they are positively. Write these qualities down and then go through each one and find where you are that in your life. You may do it differently but where are you that?. The brain tries to tell us who we are positively by projecting it outwards. Owning our projections brings them home to self, as well as it supports self acceptance, appreciation and changes the way we feel and think about ourself.

      What I admire about the other is….

      Take the others name out and add “I”. I am …….(add the qualities you have listed and find where you are each one of these).

      3. Gratitude Tribe

      Being in resonance with others changes our brain. and soothes our nervous system. Yet reaching out and acknowledging what others mean to us can be hard at times especially if this was not modelled to you growing up. Speaking our appreciation and gratitude instantly changes our brain.

      We have a tribe of friends who get us, who uplift us when we feel down and lonely. Expressing our gratitude gives to both. Make a plan to share how the other affects you and what you are grateful for in relation to your friendship or relationship.

      “When I am around you, I feel …….which makes me…………….. I am grateful for………….in our friendship/relationship”

      “What I love about you is…….as it helps/encourages me……………”

      4. Let the little things find you

      Changing habits takes small steps. Shifting ones focus to appreciating means opening oneself to receive rather than closing and looking outwards for what is wrong. In this way we open to the little things. For instance the quiet at dawn, the taste of coffee in the morning, clean sheets, the intimacy of a lover, the taste of a meal made with love, cut grass, the sun on your skin, smell of wet dog, a meal cooked for you…

      Taking a moment to breathe the little things in allows them to open our being to the now and a sense of expansiveness. Being grateful simply by opening and feeling how the little things make you effect your body and sensations, opens you to the more of who you are and the joy of being.

      5. Gratitude Buddies

      At the end of a day when asked how our day was, maybe ask each other what is one thing you are grateful for. Whether you share this via text, or over tea in the evening or phoning a friend amplifies positives. Sharing creates connection and changes the brain, as well as it is fun. So find that buddy starting with your own self through journaling to a friend, partner, child, parent, co-worker you can develop this practice with and notice the changes in feelings and well being as you share daily what you are grateful for daily.

      6. Join the Community

      Take time to share. We would love to join you as a buddy and hear, via the comments below how developing a gratitude practice changed your experience of yourself, others you interact with and the world around you.

      Or maybe you have developed a particular practice of your own. Leave a comment below to help build community of likeminded people and join in changing each others brains and nervous systems!!

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        Bibliography

        Allen, Summer (2018) The Science of Gratitude, John Templeton Foundation, https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Gratitude-FINAL.pdf

        Chowdhury, Madhuleena (2019) The Neuroscience of Gratitude and Effects on the Brain www.positivepsychology.com

        Mosunic, Dr Chris, The Science of Gratitude and how it can affect teh brain, https://www.calm.com/blog/the-science-of-gratitude