Hold Onto Your Kids

Moving from Peer Orientation to Parent Orientation

As a therapist of four decades there is one issue that baffled me until recently and that is the increased rage in a number of teenagers and parents unable to have any influence on them. Parents were beside themselves and I, as a therapist, felt like I lacked insight as to what was going on, until recently.

I have been reading a book by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld called ‘Hold on to your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers’. As a mother of a 25 year old son I have experienced many of the challenges, at times as a single parent, that come with children navigating life, friends, drugs, technology, identity, step families, parental separation and so much more. No parent comes with a manual yet it feels as though we have lost trust in our intuition as a parent.

Children’s attachment needs are trying to be satisfied by their peers who seriously fall short of many layers of attachment requirements to develop into mature adults. Children in our culture today, are moving from parent orientation to peer orientation whereby belonging to a peer groups is conditional on conforming to the group norms (proximity), dress code (sameness), and adhering to particular behaviours (belonging and loyalty). Peers are not warm, or loving in a way a parent is and are unable to offer guidance from experience of having lived that themselves, cannot offer significance, and a feeling as though they matter, love and emotional closeness and being known (psychological closeness). Therefore attachment to peers only satisfies basic attachment needs of a child and that is proximity, sameness and belonging.

Similarly parents are not as supported by their community as much these days, to then be able to support their children. Couples are easily able to separate rather than guided to make it work. I l know this all sounds very conservative, and it is not aimed to be, there is alot of room for diversity here, it is just that when we lose connection with community as parents we become under resourced, stressed, overwhelmed, lonely and doubt ourselves, which means that we are not as available to helping children navigate the world as they grow up because we are trying to survive. These are the developmental, emotional, behavioural, social, and academic consequences Neufeld identifies when children attach to peers instead of parents.

Six Levels of Attachment

Gordon Neufeld describes six levels of progressive depths of attachment, that is how children connect to caregivers and eventually to others. Healthy development involves moving through these levels with safe adults before forming peer relationships. Attachment is through:

1. Senses (Proximity)

The child wants physical closeness, eye contact, being held and hearing your voice. This shows up as Wanting to be near you, reaching out for you, bids of connection, touching, leaning, cuddling, watching your face constantly (See Beatrice Beebe’s work) This is the most basic form of attachment—connection through the senses. 

2. Sameness

The child wants to be liked. This shows up as copying your words or gestures, anting matching clothes, mimicking your preferences and imitating your routines. You are the model of behaviour the child copies. Sameness helps the child feel secure and connected by aligning with your identity.

3. Belonging & Loyalty

To belong to the same “team”, and belong to your team as a parent. This shows up as possessiveness (“This is my mommy/daddy”) wanting to be included in family decisions, claims of loyalty and feeling upset when you favour others. This level cements you as “their person.”

4. Significance

To matter deeply to you. How it shows is seeking your approval, wanting to be your helper, asking “Did I do good?” and acting special or trying to impress you. The child wants to feel that you value and treasure them.

5. Love (Emotional Closeness)

Expressing love freely, giving homemade gifts, emotional sharing (“I’m scared,” “I’m sad”), seeking comfort, feeling safe and being able to be vulnerable. This is deeper than significance—the child gives their heart.

6. Being Known (Psychological Closeness)

This need is to be fully seen and understood. This shows up as confiding secrets sharing hopes, fears, and true thoughts, trusting you with their inner world, wanting to “be known” without social masks. This is the deepest and most mature form of attachment.

Why Attachment Matters

Children’s development depends on a secure attachment to caring adults. Children must progress through these stages with adults to form secure, resilient identities. When this bond weakens and adults do not hold these layers, children may start to orient themselves around peers instead of parents. This peer orientation disrupts healthy development because peers cannot provide the stability, empathy, and guidance that adults can. In other words peers can hijack them—leading to peer orientation, and therefore parents no longer are attachment figures and cannot influence them.

What is Peer Orientation?

Peer orientation happens when children attach to peers for closeness, belonging, acceptance, and identity, rather than to adults. This leads to insecurity, acting out, and emotional stress. Peer orientation occurs when a child looks to peers—not adults—for:

• values
• identity
• comfort
• guidance
• a sense of belonging

Neufeld argues that modern society encourages this shift by:

• separating children from parents (schooling, activities, schedules)
• reducing extended family networks
• encouraging digital socialization
• cultural overemphasis on independence
• overemphasis on independence too early
• Peer groups replacing family time
• media and technology amplifying peer connection
• busy parenting, stress, and screens
• schools that do not foster teacher–student attachment

Peer-oriented kids then become:

• more rebellious or resistant to parental influence
• prematurely sexualized
• anxious about peer acceptance
• vulnerable to bullying and aggression and suicidal when rejected from the group
• emotionally dysregulated

Peer Orientation undermines

• Maturity
• Empathy
• Self-acceptance
• Learning (children learn better when oriented toward teachers, not peers)
• Resilience

Children need adults who are emotionally safe, attuned, and consistent; peers are often immature, reactive, and insecure, so peer-centered relationships quickly generate anxiety, rejection fears, and emotional volatility.

Symptoms of Peer Orientation Rather than Parent Orientation

1. Emotional Immaturity

Children cannot give each other the emotional holding an adult and parent can. Peer-oriented children:

• Stay emotionally young even as they age
• Struggle with emotional regulation
• React impulsively
• Are easily overwhelmed or offended
• Cannot tolerate disappointment
• Become highly sensitive to peer reactions

2. Increased Anxiety and Insecurity

Children’s sense of security rests on unstable, shifting peer dynamics. Because peers are unreliable attachment figures, a peer-oriented child experiences:

• Chronic social anxiety
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of exclusion
• Preoccupation with friendships
• Worry about losing status
• At times suicidal tendencies due to rejection of peers

3. Aggression, Bullying, and Hardening

Peer groups often demand toughness, coolness and reward dominance, not gentleness.
Peer orientation can lead to:

• Hardening of the heart (suppressed vulnerability)
• Bullying or being bullied
• Posturing, bravado, attitude
• Acting mean or cold to maintain peer approval
• Emotional disconnect from parents

4. Rejection of Adult Guidance

A child only follows the person to whom they are attached. Therefore if a child is not attached to their parent they do not have influence and cannot discipline or guide a child in healthy ways. If the attachment is to peers, peers set the standards. Peer-oriented children:

• Resist parental direction
• Argue and defy authority
• Prefer peer norms over family values
• Tune out adults, teachers, and caregivers

5. Loss of Family Cohesion

The parent becomes “uncool,” irrelevant, or resented. Peer orientation weakens the parent-child bond.
This often shows as:

• Less interest in family time
• Disrespect or dismissiveness toward parents
• Keeping secrets
• Becoming emotionally unavailable at home

6. Disrupted Healthy Identity Development

Identity development requires adult mirrors—not kid mirrors. Peers cannot affirm a child’s deeper self. Belonging to a peer is contingent on sameness and conforming. Thus peer-oriented children:

• Form identity around peer approval
• Become chameleon-like depending on the group
• Feel lost or empty without peers
• Struggle with self-esteem
• Become overly influenced by trends and social status

7. Peer Dependency

Separation from peers causes distress, panic, or irritability and at times suicidal ideation. The child becomes dependent on:

• constant peer contact (texting, messaging)
• peer validation
• being liked or included
• fitting in

8. Premature Sexualization

Children look to peers for belonging and significance in ways they’re not emotionally ready for. Neufeld & Maté warn that peer orientation accelerates:

• sexual behavior
• experimentation
• objectification
• pressure to pair up
• early romantic entanglements

9. Academic Problems

Attachment to teachers increases learning; attachment to peers undermines it. Peer orientation reduces openness to learning because the child:

• Resists teacher authority
• Prioritizes socializing over schoolwork
• Lacks internal motivation
• Gets distracted by peer drama
• Refuses help from adults
• Sees school primarily as a social arena

10. Trouble Handling Vulnerability

This blocks the emotional development needed for resilience. To survive in peer cultures, children suppress vulnerability:

• Hide emotions
• Harden themselves
• Avoid asking for help
• Shut down when upset

11. Increased Risk Behaviours

The child uses peers, not parents, to regulate emotions and choices. Peers are mostly disregulated. Peer pressure becomes more powerful than parental influence, raising the likelihood of:

• substance use
• risky behavior
• reckless decisions
• online dangers
• self-harm or dangerous dares
• seeking belonging in unhealthy groups

12. Developmental Stagnation

Peers cannot nurture maturity. Only caring adults can. Perhaps the core problem Neufeld identifies:
Peer orientation halts maturation.

Children fail to:

• develop emotional depth
• gain confidence
• internalize values
• form identity
• build resilience
• grow into independence

The Affect of Peer Orientation Summary

Emotional: anxiety, insecurity, immaturity
Behavioral: aggression, defiance, impulsivity
Social: peer dependency, vulnerability suppression, status obsession
Academic: resistance to learning, poor motivation
Family: disconnection, conflict, loss of respect
Developmental: identity problems, stalled maturation, risky behaviors

Peer orientation feels socially normal but is developmentally harmful.

Take the Quiz

Worried that your child may have orientated to their peers? Click below to take the Quiz

How to Remedy Peer Orientation & Attachment Injuries

Having seen many parents so distressed that they have no influence towards their children and are subject to violence, abusive behaviour, have to call the police on their children, and completely baffled as to how to change it, here are a few answers.

Healing attachment injuries involves helping the child return to earlier levels (proximity, sameness) and gradually rebuilding upward.

Re-Establish the Parent as the Primary Attachment Figure

1. Collect the child’s attention and affection

Neufeld calls this “collecting” your child, whereas we call it “connect before correct”. How to strengthen “collecting” is through:

• Increase warm physical connection: hugs, snuggling, rubbing their back, make warm eye contact, smile, greet them lovingly
• “Collect” the child whenever reuniting: make eye contact, smile, say their name
• Create rituals of closeness (bedtime cuddles or stories, morning hugs, welcome home hugs and sitting and finding out about their day)
• Reduce competing attachments (excessive peer time, unsupervised online life)
• Show interest in what they’re doing ( As a mum I sed to simply hang out on my son’s bed when he was studying, simply chatting)
• Re-engage them when they pull away
• Create rituals of connection (bedtime talks, drives, meals)

This rebuilds the child’s instinct to orient toward the parent.

2. Reconnect before redirecting

Correction works only when the relationship is secure. I wrote an article with the title, ‘Connect before Correct’.
Instead of discipline first or telling a child waht to do, nagging notice this and switch to connecting first:

• Empathetic listen their emotional state
• Show understanding through active and empathetic listening
• Sit down with them
• Play a game
• Try to listen without changing them
• Discuss things allowing them to come up with options as well as offer options (mutuality, sensitivity)
• Then guide or set limits

Your presence needs to feel:

• safe
• warm
• predictable
• delighted
• welcoming

Your child must feel that: “You don’t have to earn your love. You’re wanted here.” This is different to peer groups as children have to conform to certain behaviours to belong to a group and can be easily reject if they do not do so.

Invite connection without demand, pressure, criticism, competition or comparison, interrogation and lectures. This softens defenses and reopens attachment pathways.

3. Take responsibility for the relationship

Children’s brains are developing and as a teenager we have to be their pre-frontal cortex and help them make healthy choices or be then when they get themselves into trouble as they learn to navigate others, drugs, peer pressure, their identity and so much more.

Adults need to guide the attachment—not wait for the child to initiate. Kids follow adults who feel capable of caring for them. Neufeld and Maté emphasise that children need to rest in their parent’s leadership. “I’ve got you.”

Peer orientation builds slowly, and it resolves slowly. Consistency, warmth, and leadership rebuild the hierarchy over months—not days. Every moment of connection moves your child back into your orbit.

This means:

• You lead with calm confidence.
• You take responsibility for decisions.
• You guide without asking permission to guide.
• You stay steady even when the child is upset.
• Being emotionally available
• Being the one who comes toward the child
• Inviting closeness without demanding it

4. Prioritise Proximity (But Make It Invited, Not Forced)

Parents must restore closeness—emotionally and physically. You cannot be an attachment figure from afar. Proximity nourishes the bond.

Simply hanging out with them, being available after dinner on the couch so your child comes and sits down and outpours the day then gets on with their evening are ways to being to do this.

Other ways to invite proximity:

• Spend predictable time together daily.
• Create rituals (bedtime talks, morning cuddles, after-school check-ins).
• Engage in shared activities the child enjoys.
• Sit close; offer physical affection without pressure.
• Find a hobby together

5. Reduce Competing Attachments (Gently, Without Shame)

Peer orientation forms when peers become the primary attachment figures. This is NOT about forbidding friends. It is about restoring the adult as the attachment leader but cannot be done through force, and best to develop respect, trust and availability earlier in a child’s development.

To shift this:

• Limit unsupervised peer time.
• Reduce dependence on digital peer culture (social media, texting, time limits on phones after a certain time of the night).
• Favour structured peer engagement where adults are present.
• Encourage connection with multiple caring adults (“the attachment village”).

6. Developing Resonance with Your Child

Before guiding the child to change behaviour, elicit help we have to have connection before we have influence, match their emotional state. Neufeld calls this “getting in sync“, or we call it coming into resonance. This is very simply to ‘connect before correct’. As a parent you are developing sensitivity to your child, rather than telling them what to do.

Connection > correction. Attune first → then guide.

For example:

• If they’re sad → speak softly.
• If they’re angry → be steady and calm.
• If they’re overwhelmed → slow everything down.

7. Shield the Child from Premature Independence

As parents are less supported by their communities, children are asked to be independent earlier. Therefore to shift a child from peer orientation parents need to create a home environment where the child can be dependent again, safely. We are not talking about disempowering them, or doing everything for them but to work with mutuality, guidance and support. Dependency (in childhood) lays the groundwork for true independence later. Peer orientation forces kids into:

• early independence
• emotional hardening
• attachment suppression

Parents who are move avoidantly attached will more likely value achievements and appearance over connection, and value independence over relationship connection, therefore parents may need to look at their own upbringing, attachment styles and how this effects connection with those around them, including their children.

8. Be the Answer to Their Needs

Neufeld says children instinctively follow the adult who meets their attachment needs best. If there is no adult the child orients to their peers for guidance, and with inexperienced friends all sorts of things start to go wrong. When you’re the safe harbour → you become the primary attachment again.

So ask:

• “Where can I be more available?”
• “Where can I offer comfort?”
• “Where can I make life easier to rest in?”

Be the one they turn to when they are scared, sad, confused, overwhelmed, excited and proud. These are those moments when we need to pause what we are doing and connect.

9. Repair Ruptures Quickly and Warmly

Conflict if not repaired goes into long term memory and with developing brains this creates disconnection, misunderstandings and isolation. Therefore being able to full on your sword as a parent, so to speak, is to admit when you are wrong, when you stuffed up, when you yelled or got overwhelmed and own it to your child, not for them to look after you, but to take responsibility, this not only models but relieves the child of their own world of pain.
In parent-child relationships, repair is even more crucial. repairing teaches children that the relationship is not threatened and it is safe to stuff at times. “Our connection is safe, even when things go wrong.”

Repair looks like:

• Softening.
• Reconnecting.
• Acknowledging your part without shame.
• Showing the relationship is secure despite conflict.
• Owning your part in the rupture
• Finding ways to repair and reconnect

10. Give the Child a Sense of Significance & Specialness

Parents must delight in their child regularly—without conditions. Delight is attachment glue. We all need to be made to feel special in at least one person’s eyes. Children attach to those who make them feel:

• seen
• valued
• enjoyed
• wanted

11. Deepen Attachment Through the Six Layers

Parents who become mindful of the different layers of attachment find it easier to reconnect with the child at every attachment stage:

1. Proximity – be physically & emotionally near
2. Sameness – create shared rituals & interests
3. Belonging/Loyalty – build family identity (“we”)
4. Significance – show they matter deeply to you
5. Love – nurture emotional warmth
6. Being Known – invite sharing of inner thoughts

If a child is stuck in any layer, rebuild that layer with intentional practices.

SUMMARY

Often parents lack the skills, or modelling in their own lives to be able to communicate in a way that is heard, or navigate conflict in a way where power over is not used. In some sense the software is missing. Therefore programs like ‘Effective Communication Training’ are essential to upgrade our emotional intelligence and social-emotional skills to help our children navigate theirs and our connection with them.

To re-establish yourself as the primary attachment figure:

1. Collect the child regularly.
2. Restore proximity and daily connection rituals.
3. Lead with warm leadership presence.
4. Reduce competing attachments without alienating them.
5. Strengthen all six layers of attachment.
6. Invite closeness; don’t demand it.
7. Repair ruptures quickly and warmly.
8. Be emotionally accessible and deeply caring.
9. Show delight and significance.
10. Be patient, steady, and dependable.

When a parent becomes the child’s emotional home again, peer orientation naturally fades and children are able to navigate the competing forces of peers from the safe place of family. Connection restores itself, children become more regulated as do their parents! They are able to achieve more in a secure functioning environment where they are held by their parents, their brains begin mature in that attachment bubble and able to concentrate and get on with life in a healthy way.

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Resources

Supporting Parents

1. Effective Communication Training 4 part training program

2. The Authentic Communicator 30 hour certified training program

3. Addressing distressing beliefs about Children with ‘Inquiry Based Stress Reduction’ programs

4. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld (Book)

5. Connect Before Correct by Brenda Sutherland (Article)

6. Gordon Neufeld Resources for Parents

7. Chapter One of Hold on to your kids By Gordon Neufeld

8. Being Our Children’s Answer, with Dr Gordon Neufeld