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  • Meeting Grief: How to Support Someone & Oneself Overwhelmed by Loss

    Meeting Grief: How to Support Someone & Oneself Overwhelmed by Loss

    Over the last months we have seen and for many experienced devastation to homes, the loss of loved ones, wildlife, habitats and beloved communities. Such deep and overwhelming loss is difficult to fathom, let alone address on a daily basis.  No one teaches us firstly, how to be with our own grief and secondly, how to support others well through their grief process.

    Supporting Others in their Grief

    Long after emergency services have departed, insurance companies made assessments and the regrowth begins to appear after rain, we are left with the shock and overwhelming loss, resulting in grief. In many cases we do not have the internal resources to hold, metabolise or even recognise grief in ourself. We may become short tempered, unable to cope with the little things, erupting over the slightest inconvenience, argue and find ourselves emotionally swamped. All these are some of the signs of shock, grief and trauma.

    As an outsider we often feel completely ill equipped to deal with another persons huge loss and the emotional toll it takes to rebuild from such devastation. You can’t fix it, as it is reality, but you can be there in ways that ensure the other is supported and resourced to get through it.

    Leigh Sales author of “An Ordinary Day” interviewed people who had experienced unfathomable loss of family and shared her own experience of being supported. The key supportive behaviours was practical support, asking the hard questions like; How are you going to cope?, and not ignoring the other.

    • Don’t ignore the person (they don’t have a disease so don’t act like they do). This is not about you.
    • Casseroles never tired. Cook up a storm and pop around with it, simply drop them off
    • Help with practical tasks: hanging out with someone is support
    • Be specific about how you are going to help them, don’t wait for them to tell you – often we don’t have the capacity to cognitively organise our brain when overwhelmed!
    • Allow for the sad, tears, rage. We all do grief differently. Sometimes we just need space to be held for us, a hug and a listening ear (acknowledge how it is for the other). Crying doesn’t mean you said anything wrong, it often means that the grief can be seen and met.
    • Get together as a community to support a family
    • Ask the question: “How are you going to cope?” “How are you today?” Lets face the reality of the immensity of the loss and put action plans into place together. Grief is a day by day gig.
    • Be the person that appears at those hard times, just rock up with cake!
    • What would you need if this happened to you – put yourself in the other persons shoes and follow through, don’t be scared.
    • Be awkward; we don’t know what to say or do when facing immense loss if we haven’t been there. Awkward is ok.
    • The park bench stance; just being there for someone is often enough. When grieving it can be a very isolating time. Simply be there however they are and however you are. No words are needed sometimes.
    • Own your own ineptness!
    • Don’t be afraid to talk about ‘it’
    • Acknowledge what happened – pretending it didn’t happen, alienates the person.

     

    Supporting Oneself Grieving

    You are normal! Yes! Your emotional reactions may not feel normal right now, but these events are not an everyday experience, therefore we find ourself experiencing levels of overwhelm that are unfamiliar.

    Everyone grieves differently! There is no set order or way in which we grieve. Giving oneself space, self compassion, and self empathy for the heart break to be experienced is essential. Grief is not something that can be intellectually counteracted, manoeuvred around, it has a life of its own and it does you. Meeting it as it is, and letting it find its way home within you is key to metabolising the experience.

    Previously there was the belief that there stages of grieving but we are much more complex than that. Grief appears in many different ways, understanding and normalising how it appears in you is essential in developing self compassion. If unfamiliar with grief it may appear as anger, frustration, rage outbursts and addictive behaviours as we try and find ways to soothe our nervous system.

     

    “Grief is not something we “get over” by following pre-prescribed stages, but a partner that we dance, play, honor, argue, and weep with as the cycles unfold. Its appearance and the ways it longs to be tended are unique for each psyche, heart, and nervous system.

    The timeline for this voyage is not knowable by the psychiatric community, nor by insurance panels or teachers of spirituality, but is birthed in the heavens. To rush, force, or pathologize the experience of grief is to work against nature.

    The grieving process may not have an endpoint or state of completion in which we come to some final resolution, where we “finish” and land in some untouchable place, free from our embodied vulnerability, somatic aliveness, and from falling apart and breaking open yet again.

    While some may hold this fantasied end state as a goal which comes about as we “master” life, the heart is not interested in mastery. But in entering the mystery in more subtle and sensitive ways.” Matt Lucia

    There are many ways meeting grief mindfully can support its integration and the deep wisdom that comes from honouring its place in our life. Here are a few and it is encouraged that you add your own here too.

    1. Give yourself the freedom to be emotional – however that looks like, ensuring you and others are safe
    2. Understand ways grief appears and acknowledge that is how it moves in you
    3. Give yourself space, reach out for support, and offer oneself compassion to collapse if needed.
    4. Create self care rituals – that support you, your feelings
    5. Feel it – grief truly surrendered to, moves through you in a way that a stream finds its way back to the ocean, let it have room within you so you can return to peace
    6. Own your needs – tell people what you need, reach out and ask – it helps others know what to do too.
    7. Talk about what happened with others who have experienced the same, find that support group, community so that your experience can be normalised and held fully.
    8. Remember, let the memories have room. Blocking things out doesn’t make them go away!
    9. Create a ritual that honours the end of something, whether it is a loss of property, person or environmental – rituals help us meet reality and honour that life is different now.
    10. Listen to those parts in you that are trying to get your attention and give them a voice, hold their hand and understand their needs, whilst allowing room for whatever feelings arise.
    11. Reach out to a professional – often a counsellor will have resources, help normalise grief and help the mind understand what is happening, and give room for the heart to heal. Find one that gets you!
    12. Know that the overwhelming feelings will not last forever, and that is not denying what happened, happened.

     

    Resources

    How to Speak to Someone About Unspeakable Grief

    Outlawed Grief

  • Frozen: Unfreeze Each Other

    Frozen: Unfreeze Each Other

    “I can only be your story about me!”

    One thing I have learned, as a therapist over 30 years, is that people change, but often our stories about them don’t. We freeze the other into a certain way of behaving, often detrimental, with our stories about them. We also freeze ourself into being a certain way in response to our idea about the other. Meaning we are both frozen in time!

    The Ojibway tribe do not noun on each other when describing people, so as to avoid freezing someone into being, but rather respect the complex nature of being as ever changing. Instead they encapsulate their experience of the person, this also applies within their juridical system. For example; instead of naming someone, they speak of how they felt, their experience, and do not add to anothers’ experience of that person.

    An Ojibway elder described not “nooning on someone” by saying:

    “Those kind of words, have a tendency to stigmatise people, to “freeze” them within a particular classification, making it more difficult for healing to occur.” Ross (1996)

    This time of the year we are confronted with our well polished, recycled stories of our family members, yet rarely take the time to enquire into the current reality, just our thinking about reality.

    • Have you ever been someones judgemental story about you?
    • What was the effect of being frozen into being something, that was not entirely you?
    • How did you react to the other?
    • How did you know that you were frozen in another persons’ story about you?

    Unfreezing the Other 

    In the same way we unfreeze ourself from shameful stories we unconsciously impose on ourself, we can free others from the outdated stories. Here’s how:

    1. Be judgemental (Most of the time we pretend not to be, so here is a chance to expose the unconscious recycled story about the other!)
    2. Write it down (Get that thinking down on paper as it is less likely to be recycled)
    3. Bring it to enquiry (Ask with your head, and answer with your heart: Is it true? Can I absolutely know this to be true about the other?) From example: “My mother is selfish, demands all the attention with no consideration for others”. Find the truth, look at reality – can you absolutely know that that is her intention, or is it your perception?

    “When we apply such labels to real people, they tend to stick. And when they stick, they cause us to start denying the complexity and wholeness of the human beings we are speaking of.” Ross (1996)

    Unfreezing Yourself

    1. How do you react when you think this thought? (This is where we start to see how entangled in our own web we are)
    2. How do you treat them when you think this thought about them? (Ok fess up, this is a co-creation remember, with the ego avoiding our part in it due to its lack humbleness).
    3. How do I treat myself when I think this thought about them? (Remember it takes two to keep the game going)
    4. Who would I be without this thought? (Are you ready to liberate yourself from being part of this story? Go on imagine who you would be, what would you do, how would you be within yourself and with the other without this frozen story?)
    5. Turn it Around (So here is the magic – where the story lets go of both of you and we live a kinder reality, meeting it as it is rather than arguing with it). Take the story:
      • “My mother is selfish, demands all the attention with no consideration for others” and turn it around to reality (opposite) “My mother is selfless, demands little attention, and considers others” Then ask yourself: Where is that truer than the previous frozen story? See if you can find 3 examples where that is truer.
      • Turn it around again: Where am I that with myself? “I am selfish, demand all the attention with no consideration for myself”. Where is that truer? Find 3 examples.
      • Turn it around again: How do I do to the other, what I accuse the other of doing to me? “I am selfish, demand all the attention with no consideration for my mum” Where is that truer? Find 3 examples.

    Remembering this is not about shaming or blaming yourself or the other, it is simply about meeting a kinder reality than your thinking.

    Now when you think of that person how do you view them now? What happened to your role you were playing in relation to your story about them? What changed?

    “In my experience thus far, it seems that traditional people see our reliance on judgemental words as a very limiting way to know the world around us, and to deal with the people in it.” Ross (1996)

    When we enquire into our thoughts that cause suffering they let go of us and we can become the more of who we really are, we live the depth of complexity.

    Give the gift of enquiry this Christmas and unfreeze each other from outdated stories!

    ________________

    References

    The Work of Byron Katie www.thework.com

    Ross, Rupert (1996) Returning to the Teachings: Exploring Aboriginal Justice, Penguin Random House, Canada

  • Who Owns the Problem?

    Who Owns the Problem?

     

    Who Owns the Problem?

    Understanding who owns the problem is key in choosing how we address issues, concerns and conflicts arising.

    There are four basic areas of problem ownership:

    1. Other Owns a Problem
    2. No Problem Area
    3. I Own a Problem
    4. We Own a Problem

    When the Other Person “Owns” a Problem, then we can provide our skills in listening, unpacking the feelings and needs that are trying to be met, and feed them back to the person i.e. Is it that you are confused (Feeling) about your mums response? (Fact). Or Is it that you value consideration when it comes to making social arrangements?

    The No Problem Area is literal as in our needs are met and everyone is AOK.

    In the I Own a Problem Area, our own needs are not being met; we may feel stressed, overwhelmed or upset. This is where we empathetic listen ourselves to clearly define our needs and feelings and communicate them as a way of   getting them met or resolve a problem. How we do that is ask ourselves: How do I feel about the situation? What need is trying to be met? Be careful you are not getting solutions and needs mixed up too. There is never a conflict of needs, only solutions.

    When We Own a Problem, there’s a conflict in your relationship with each other i.e. We have a problem in that both peoples needs are not getting met. Here we highlight the needs of each, brainstorm solutions, collaboratively decide on a solution that works for both and then implement it, checking in at a later time frame to see if it worked.

    Our goal is to come back to the no-problem area as much as possible through using our communication skills. Firstly we have to know how an issue is for us before we can communicate it. take time to sit down and empathetically listen to yourself, discover your needs and then formulate a way to communicate this.

    Here’s an example: Lisa is concerned that every Xmas they spend it with her partners family. She wants to ensure she spends more time with her ageing mum. She is concerned that she may not have many more festive seasons together before her mum passes. Her feelings are concern, sadness, eager and excitement at the idea of spending time with her. Needs are; connection, fairness and consideration.

    Lisa brings this into an I message and communicates her concerns with her partner: “I am really eager (feeling) to spend time with mum this year at Christmas as I have a real concern that we don’t have many left to share as she ages. I really value the time (need) we have left with her. Would you be willing to consider spending Christmas with my mum this year?

    In this instance it opens up the conversation to brain storm solutions that work for both, maintain each others self esteem and confidence and ensure both parties get their needs met.

    The Awakening Group offers comprehensive online communication training for more details click here

  • Sacred Circle by Robin Truman

    Sacred Circle by Robin Truman

    Well here we are now

    We are all together

    All gathered here

    Like birds of a feather

     

    We sit in a circle and call it sacred

    Where we wait for the time

    To hear our names read

    Our emotions will rise

    As we answer the call

    Just knowing there’s pain

    That lives in us all.

     

    We know we feel disjointed

    And we all want to BELONG

    We want to feel wholesome

    That’s why we come along

     

    One by one, we are called to the chair

    We sit in our place, and a little aware

    That we are all very Nervous,

    And we put on an act

    Says a voice very mild

    please tell me the facts

    What ails you child?

    What sets you back?

     

    I speak of my parents

    And things that occurred

    Of pains that I carry

    Which are often referred

    To symptoms of ailments

    And all the other

    Which are frequent and often

    When referred to my mother

    Well,… let’s see how to help

    You could still refuse

    But let’s see where it goes

    So I’d like you to choose

     

    When you look out at those

    To be called on to play

    So, now go and select

    And see what they say

     

    I step in the circle and I walk all around

    I look at the faces that are all astound

    I take my time, for I need to know

    Are you the right one? Then if so,

     

    I’d like you to be my Mother,

    And you to be my Dad

    I’d like you to be my Brother

    And will you be, the Childhood

    That I never had

    As the session proceeds, more reps appear

    With looks on faces, so very sincere

    And in these figures, I see the pain

    As all this energy, flows through veins

    They take on roles, and play their part

    And the story unfolds, for me to start

     

    To see where it leads, where it all began

    From here right back, And well past my nan

    From her mum and from hers, It was never said

    Just what occurred, with all those long dead

     

    Now the therapist moves, and studies the scene

    As it seems to unfold like a trilogy

    And moves around players

    To find what beholds,

    Who is missing? what’s left untold?

     

    What’s happening here?

    What are you feeling?

    I see you’re disturbed

    What is it’s meaning?

     

    You look so intense,

    and It seems overwhelming

    You display it with tears

    I see that you’re hurting

     

    “I did wrong, I hurt them!”

    The player blurts out

    “I just left them all

    When I should have stood stout!”

    “I abandoned my children, I left them for dead,

    Another mans image got into my head “

     

    “And what happens here” the question is asked

    Of one other player representing the past

    “I’m of the same age, and I feel it too

    I’ve felt abandoned and left in the poo

    I wasn’t loved, she didn’t know how

    She just left home, not making a sound

    Now I’m a toddler, no mother around”

     

    I see now, why my body was aching

    It was never attended, no actions were taken

    They just buried it, inside their head

    And continued along, While They all just bled,

     

    From the burden they carried, Which, remained unknown

    To all those that followed, It was passed on down

    In the form of an energy, on its journey within

    Passed, undetected, Without even a whim

     

    So now we come forward, and it’s time to address

    All this confusion, and all of this mess

    I’ve taken on energy, from troubles carried forward

    Where deep in my soul, it’s been lodged untoward

    It seems obvious now, that it’s where we should start

    To remove all this pain, from my soul, and my heart

     

    So here we are mum, here we are two

    The moment of truth, I’ve carried this for you

    It’s been with me, much longer than it should

    I now hand it back, in belief that it could

    Work towards helping me, at the very minimum

    To then re- establish, all equilibrium

     

    Please take it now, it belongs to you!

    The release that I seek, begins to ensue

    It comes in a rush, I have no control

    I sob and I sob, and it cleanses my soul

     

    I bury my head, in the lap of another

    That wonderful one, representing my mother

    I’m held for a long time, and it feels so sublime

    I begin to recover this hurt heart of mine

     

    The session is finished, and it needs to be said

    to thank all the reps for all that they did

    thank you sincerely, I now feel rid

    of the burden I carried, that kept itself hid

     

    I now look to the future

    and think of the time

    when I can help nurture

    all the clients of mine

    as I engage in this work

    with a good understanding

    of the principles and tools

    for the client’s expanding

     

    I practice it now in my working station

    As I listen intently with plenty of patience

    For some that I see, it seems hocus pocus

    As I sit with another and use my soft focus

    I see family behind them, not wanting to part

    And I hold equal space for them in my heart

     

    I continue to study, to grow and expand                                                               ,

    To increase my knowledge so that I can

    Help establish for men, a men’s program.

     

    But I won’t stop there, I can assure you of that

    I want to help children, not leave them flat,

    To allow them to be, kids, uninhibited

    Free of the trauma and un medicated.

    The kids are the future, they should be unscarred

    To become healthy adults, and tomorrows STARS

     

    I need to conclude, but I want you to know

    That I want to help others, and this is so.

    With the best of intention

    I now take the time

    To thank you for listening

    To this prose of mine

    it translated itself

    It was from inspiration

    And along with myself

    became my presentation.

     

     

  • We Belong By Sanya Minocha

    We Belong By Sanya Minocha

     

    Each member of the family
    Each part of the puzzle
    All look and seem so different,
    so separate
    There is an order to the chaos.
    There is a reason we exist within the system
    Crossing webs, all over the world
    — An invisible thread ties us together —
    Energy binds us together
    Like glue, westicktogether // Out of loyalty, out of respect.
    But not always in this realm
    This realm, we go about our own lives –
    Never quite recognising the impact of our systemic roots.Till one fine day,  a member of the family finally stops running.
    In pain
    She acknowledges herself – the bearer of a symptom.
    Feeling joy,  she acknowledges the system.
    A split second later, she realises;
    We belong.
  • Taking Your Place

    Taking Your Place

    “To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” E. E. Cummings

    As life tumbles us with a myriad of experiences of which we adjust, try to digest and survive, whilst endeavouring to thrive, a very subtle shift happens. We leave energetically. We stop taking our place, as fully ourselves, right in this moment. I don’t mean intellectually, although we do tend to be in the past or future in our thoughts, but energetically.

    There is no other you. There is no other you having your experiences. There is no other who was born to be you, as you are. Sure there are other people with similar experiences, but there is no other you.

    Taking your place means, right now in this moment taking your place fully, in life, as it is. It takes a fierce presence with what is, not to move from it, or argue with yourself that you could or should be different, it just is. Right now means taking your place in the fierceness of life, right in this moment. There is no other moment.

    “Shame has this whole effect on people – they want to disappear – they don’t want to be here”. Dr Stephan Porges

    As feelings arise, simply take your place and let feelings come and go, they will not move you if this is fully embraced, owned and embodied.

    One could ask “what would it take for you to fully take your place right here and right now”, although that is not even needed as we move from intellectualising to energetically being present!

    So the invite is to take your place in your life, (no one can do this for you) right here and right now, fully as an embodied experience. Fully from the tips of your toes, to the top of your head, tips of your fingers to the tip of your nose. No one else has this life, yet you are never alone.

    Take your place in this moment is your birthright. Running away just makes one prone to the experience of being a pebble on the foreshore. Take your place and don’t move from here energetically, then see what happens to the feelings, thoughts and sensations. When they come, you do not have to work them out, or fix them, or resist them, simply welcome them, as you sit in that fierce compassion for self. Directly experience them, they will then burn up in you, along with the memory that created them. Taking your place, in this moment, is an act of the deepest compassion and full embrace of who you are.

    Its your birthright, your place, live it!

  • There is Never a Conflict of Needs, Only Conflict of Solutions!

    There is Never a Conflict of Needs, Only Conflict of Solutions!

    “I want you to listen to me”, “I want you to stop talking to me like that”….sound familiar? Add your own request here that you often request.

    Sam and Liz are both trying to prioritise their relationship goals. So Sam suggests they go camping more often, whilst Liz loves the theatre, neither agree on the solution as neither like the others idea. Yet each others needs have not been identified, only solutions to meet their needs. This is where conflict usually starts because both are trying to get a need met yet having identified it to them self and then each other. So now we have a conflict of solutions which leads to disappointment, frustration and disconnection in the relationship.

    This is an all too familiar scenario nowadays, one that affects the way we connect and expect from each other. Fundamentally we are each trying to be understood, heard, and connect as well as  feel as though we matter. Our disjointed communication is also filtered through our negative bias in the brain that is geared for war, thus often resulting in misunderstandings causing conflicts.

    The usual scenario is that communication, requests start with being solution focused rather than needs focused, resulting in conflict of solutions without really knowing the need that is trying to be satisfied. Solutions are simply ways of attempting to get a need met.

     “Communication is to relationships what breath is to life” Virginia Satir

    Most of us do not know what need is trying to be met, so we come up with solutions for ourselves, or others without actually understanding the real motivation.

    Now if Sam and Liz started with their needs then solutions would simply flow out of this understanding. SoWhat can be defined as a need? Abraham Maslow highlighted the basic hierarchy of needs in the 1940s, Max Neef expanded on these even further taking into consideration changes in social structure over time.

    Needs can be grouped into 8 basic categories:

    • Interdependent needs
    • Safety and Security
    • Peace
    • Meaning
    • Rest and Play
    • Honesty
    • Physical Wellbeing
    • Autonomy

    These categories were then further fleshed out. For example Autonomy further includes Choice, Freedom, Independence, Integrity, Presence, Space and Spontaneity.

    https://awakening-com.s3.ap-southeast-2.amazonaws.com/2019/01/rcrmuwAn-Needs-Inventory.pdf

    Self Check

    So let’s start with finding one of your needs that did not get met. Think of a situation where you did not get your need met. What were the feelings that arose due to not getting the need met? What were the consequences of not getting that need met? How did this change the relationship with the other? Write them down.

    Now think of a time where you did get your needs met. What were the feelings that arose due to getting the need met? What were the consequences of getting that need met? How did this change the relationship with the other? Write them down.

    Now take a moment and ask yourself in both situations what were the needs trying to get met? Scan the list above to find one that resonates for you per situation. Now in that instance, now that I know the need, how could I have begun to give myself that need? How could I have communicated it to another? How could I have taken care of that need?

    Take Two

    Let’s come back to Sam and Liz as they begin to prioritise their relationship goals. What if they highlighted their respective needs first. ie Sam really wants to ensure that she matters (need) to Liz. Liz wants to feel as though she has autonomy (need) in the relationship with Sam. By understanding and shoring up their needs first they can brainstorm solutions together that work for both. Sam isn’t really into the theatre but loves going to the movies and of course the outdoors. Liz loves wining, dining and the theatre. So Sam and Liz decided that Liz would go with her friends to the theatre (autonomy needs being met) and that the both of them would have a picnic outdoors once a week just the two of them (the need to matter to the other being met). So both needs are met and there is no conflict of solutions.

    Try it

    Listening and feeding back the need to check if you have understood it correctly is the key first, whilst beginning to communicate your own. There is room for everyones needs here. Start with yourself first, as often we don’t even realise that we have needs that are trying to be met. Be honest with yourself. When you have a situation arise find out what need is trying to be met. Use the checklist above, the begin to communicate this first or in response to another.

    When feeding back what the other is saying try by listening for the need and then check if  have grasped it correctly. Here’s how:

    • “Is it that you value (insert specific need)?”
    • Or “It sounds like (insert specific need) is really important to you?”

    Now listen for the response and alter the statement based on what the person feeds back and try again. There is room for everyones needs here, so don’t forget to add your own. For example try:

    • “I really value (insert specific need)”
    • “What is really important to me is (insert specific need)”

    Then add:

    • “Would you be willing to consider coming up with solutions that work for both of us in this situation?”

    Now you are onto something.

    1. Listen for the need, consider and include each others needs. Remember this is a win/win gig.
    2. Brainstorm solutions (don’t dismiss any) and then
    3. Mutually agree on a solution that works for both parties (if one compromises unfortunately there is often pay back)
    4. Implement the solution – decide when, how and where and when you will check in again to hear how it is working for the other
    5. Check results – did that work or do we need to refine our solution?

    Remember to remain curious about your needs and the others.

    By Brenda Sutherland (Founding Director of The Awakening Group)

    For more information and further advanced communication training join us for our online communication training based on the Dr Thomas Gordon model. http://awakening.com.au/course/effective-communication-training-online/

  • Bring the Spark Back Challenge

    Bring the Spark Back Challenge

     

    Relationships are like breathing – inhaling and exhaling, closeness and disconnected, receiving and giving, connection and autonomy.

    “We must be open enough to receive each other” Terry Real

    Often in couple counselling I witness couples who have simply lost touch with how to receive the other, how to connect and share themselves on these levels:

    • physically – we don’t even say good morning any more or hug. We used to exercise together everyday.
    • emotionally – we just don’t talk about the intimate stuff, our needs or feelings anymore, its all about the kids
    • sexually – the erotic pleasure has died and no one initiates sex anymore. If I do I feel like I am going to get rejected
    • intellectually – we don’t share our thoughts or our ambitions, concerns, questions, experiences or insights we literally do our own thing nowadays
    • spiritually – we used to connect in a way that it felt like a spiritual experience, now we can’t even look at each other.

    Sound familiar? Our brains are geared up to automate our life so that it is easier to survive, that means we automate each other too! Tricky if you want to ensure the spark remains. It means being mindful of your relationship, taking responsibility for what you bring into the relationship daily, how you receive the other and what opportunities you take to initiate closeness.

     

    Getting Started

    A couple of things you might want to look at first.

    1. How do I receive my partner? How do I listen to him/her? Do I really hear what they are saying, their feelings and needs?
    2. How do they know I am listening and receive them?
    3. How do I listen to my feelings and needs so I can communicate them clearly?
    4. How do I offer myself, am I under sharing (withholding maybe because I assume they won’t hear or be rejected) or oversharing (because I feel they will reject me?)
    5. What is one thing I can commit to doing differently?
    6. How can I approach my partner to invite this as a new possibility in relationship?

    So heres the deal: We automate each other, so we assume a lot of stuff about the other, which means we alter the way we approach our partner stopping ourselves from asking and negotiating. Then the passion dies! But it is still there, it just needs work.

     

    Giving Up the Defenses

    Interested in bringing the spark back into your relationship?

    In the age of cultivating mutually agreed upon Couple Bubbles where our relationships are safe havens we have to both take care of each other and the relationship. The connection, intimacy, discussions, and emotional wellbeing of a relationship is a two person job. That means you!

    So to help make it work we have to give up a few things:

    1. Wanting to win or be right all the time – both lose!
    2. Controlling your partner to get what you want – they will just disappear into themselves and the passion dies, there will be a pay back!
    3. Revenge if it doesn’t go the way that you want – do you really get your needs met or is this just a tantrum because you don’t want to fess up to them?
    4. Oversharing self expression – what is it that you are covering? Whilst ranting are you really connected or is it a way of avoiding true intimacy?
    5. Withholding or withdrawing (under sharing) – when you withdraw you are not trusted and come across as hiding something. What would it take to put your best foot forward and say it how it is?

    So now that you are aware of some of the strategies you “may” have employed to get your needs met without really discussing them we can take the next step.

     

    Get Clear

    What do you really want in your relationship? What are you prepared to offer to improve it today? Often we wait for the other to get us, hear us, respect us but in the waiting we are simply avoiding and the gap grows bigger, and the resentment more apparent.

    Renew your vision together. Often over time the reason we came together changes. We do those projects, raise the kids and then we need to revision the next phase of our relationship….What fun! Remember this is two person system – Together we revision.

     

    Lets Play!

    Remember you are in a relationship, so this is a joint project. Lets start small.

    Coming back to each component in your relationship. If one area is fully satisfied then the relationship can withstand, for a time, other areas where it maybe lacking.

    1. Physically – connection rituals help us feel secure, intimate, that we matter and are loved!
      • Start with a ritual to connect you both as you launch the day. It doesn’t have to be big (a cuddle before you hop out of bed, coffee together in the morning, breakfast together, a morning walk) but do it daily. Both ensure it happens.
      • Then add a landing ritual – how do you land the day together? Do you go to bed together or does someone full asleep on the couch? Do you read to each other? Do you tell each other about your day? Connect over dinner? Create that landing ritual together.
      • Welcome home hug – Ok this is not one of those “Hi darling and a peck on the cheer gigs” it is an real tender embrace whereby holding each other until you are both totally relaxed (yep more than 5 secs) – Why? Then you don’t bring all that stress from the day home and you feel instantly connected with each other – Win/Win right?!
    2. Emotionally – Make a time each week to share your needs, feelings, withholds (remember does that thing that happened 5 years ago really have to be brought up weekly? Drop it) so as a couple we can take care of them together. We really don’t know how it is for the other unless we share. Be Bold, its worth it.
    3. Sexually – Take the quiz! Do you know your partners turn ons and offs? You will be pleasantly surprised to discover and recover them by simply asking. Maybe they don’t know – so take Emily Nagoski’s quiz and share.
      • Start with eye gazing!
      • Do the 3 minute game by Betty Martin
      • Organise date nights – yep you would be surprised how many couples never take each other out on dates! Do you think it is time?
    4. Intellectually – Share your day, your thoughts, your ideas, dilemmas, feelings and needs – so you get to know each other again. Saves assuming!
      • Mutually amplified positives – that sunset, that ice cream, and Oh My that standing in the rain naked – rope the other in too.
      • Share novel experiences – what are those adventures that you have put on the back burner and the too hard basket – share them
      • Create new memories by doing one thing different every week
      • Remember you are each others best friend. You chose the other to share your life with so lets do it.
    5. Spiritually – bring your partner close,
      • tell them what you love about them,
      • describe what you see in their face
      • eye gaze
      • meditate together

    And above all play! Adults forget to have those pillow fights, feed each other, hop into the shower together, surprise each other with a spontaneous adventure. Remember it is Christmas – be your partners gift!

    by Brenda Sutherland B. Soc. Sc. (Psych) Founder and Direct and Couples Counsellor at The Awakening Group Pty Ltd

  • Are You an Island or a Wave?

    Are You an Island or a Wave?

     Soothing Each Others Nervous System in Relationship

    by Brenda Sutherland

     

    Winter is a time of regrouping, revisioning, renewing as we are asked to go inwards and assess what is working and what is not, at the same time rest. Over the last weeks I have witnessed many couples fighting more than usual, separating or contemplating separation. One of the key factors missing in staying connected and creating a secure functioning relationship is understanding how to:

    1. Keep each other safe                                  2. Stay connected daily
    3. Soothe each others nervous system           4. Misreading cues
    5. Identify each others attachment styles        6. Protect vulnerabilities
    7. Manage Thirds (Competing Forces)    

    These are only a few!

    The missing information, is its not personal, it is psychobiological.

    How do you trigger your partner off? As Stan Tatkin author of ‘Wired for Love’ puts it

    “There are No Angels, No Devils in relationships” 

    If your partner is an Island (Avoidant) do you give them an escape route when you ask them to connect, or demand they hop off their island immediately? Key: Give them an escape route: i.e. “When you are ready…” “I don’t want to stop you from what you are doing but before you go could you hug me” 

    The reality is Islands need an OUT (as they are auto-regulators – I do me) and need an exit route to be available.

    If your partner is a Wave (Anxious/Angry-Resistant) and reject your praise, feedback do you retreat or approach them with loving words? Key: Go towards them with loving words, even if they reject them!

    Waves (external regulators – you do me) need an IN i.e. loving words, as their greatest fear is to be abandoned and rejected. But here’s the key a wave attachment style will reject the first loving words just to see if you can hold them, then if you approach again they soften.

    We are complex yet so simple when we develop a manual, from a psychobiological approach, on each other!

  • I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    An insight into Family Constellations 

    Maria was distraught. For two weeks now she had been having panic attacks and didn’t know why. She was desperate for them to stop, as they were worsening. This was the reason she had found her way to counselling. Two weeks prior her partner of five years had asked her to marry him and she had said ‘yes’ and with such excitement she told her family he had proposed. The next day though she found herself getting extremely anxious, doubting whether he would be a good husband or father, not trusting his ability, questioning who she had been living with over the last five years. As the days went by her anxiety grew, until she found herself experiencing full-blown panic attacks. What had happened?

    Maria’s panic attacks are not unlike many symptoms that appear that are connected to the family lineage, as we are part of the family soul.

    What is the Family Soul?

    We all are connected to a family system or soul that reaches many generations past. We are limited by this history as well as strengthened by our ancestors. A family system is governed by:

    • the need to belong; those who are born into a family (whether survived or thrived), brought into a family through marriage, or who have taken a life from this family, in other words, ‘those who belong’, belong. If anyone is excluded they will be represented by a family member. This is often seen in children of divorced parents, whereby a parent has been criticized by the other, out of hidden loyalty the child will side with the parent excluded and criticized. We are only at peace when everyone is included.

    • the need for social order; This ensures everyone is given their rightful place. In a literal sense, this means those who come first, come first. For example, partners take precedence before children unless in a blended family then each others children come before the new partner. We are born into a special place in our family, that is the first born’s place is before the next child and so on. If out of place, a child will feel burdened, be treated as a parent, or may take the place of a lost child or previous partner resulting in strange dynamics.

    • the need for equilibrium; that is the balance of giving and taking governs the sharing of resources, but also ensures that which has been taken is given back to maintain equilibrium. We feel innocent only when equilibrium is maintained and guilty if it is imbalanced or righteous and embittered if we give too much and do not receive.

    Systems Thinking

    The majority of therapists look at issues presenting within a client on a personal basis, such as ‘what does the client need to change, integrate, realign within themselves for this issue to be resolved?’.

    A Family Constellation facilitator looks beyond the individual or person engaging systemic thinking to look in the direction the symptom (in this case panic attacks) points to within the family system to bring to light the entanglement.

    As members of a family we are symptom bearers pointing to what has not been resolved in the family system. We are all connected, and our soma, behaviors, reactions, emotional patterns or struggles often tell a story of what beckons to be acknowledged in the family that was unable to be resolved, or seen back many generations. We are in subconscious devotion to the family system and all who are connected to this out of love and to ensure the family system stays balanced.

    An indicator that a client’s presenting issue is systemic is that the symptom or issue persists no matter what interventions are applied. The dynamic is: ‘I have this symptom and I don’t want it’, and the family soul says ‘that is how it is’ until this is acknowledged.

    Words are Worlds

    Back to Maria’s panic attacks. My question on hearing her story would be: “who in the family (lineage) would be panicking about marriage?” In Maria’s case, together we looked in the direction of the panic, tracking it using a genogram, noticing hotspots such as accentuated words. She explained that her grandmother (mother’s mother) was Italian and grew up in a little village in Italy, was Roman Catholic and on her honeymoon her newly wed husband announced that he had a mistress, who was pregnant. So ‘who would be panicking around marriage?’ Grandmother!

    This highlighted the systemic principle belonging (as the mistress had to be included in the family as well as the child born of this affair) and the guilt and innocence governing belonging. As a symptom bearer Maria was reliving Grandmother’s panic. Clients have access to the entire family system therefore a simple visualization to include everyone and the panic attacks disappeared. She married her partner and now has a child.

    Your body tells the family story

    Family or Systemic Constellations gives the client a new somatic experience of what they know in their gut to be true. The format this can be done within is

    a) a group whereby participants are chosen to represent a member of the family and are placed to highlight the dynamics between each and the governing principles in play, or

    b) in ones minds eye as a visualization whereby the facilitator gains all necessary information from the client, words, their soma such as eye gaze, breath, how a client holds their body, attachment styles and the clients intention or

    c) using props such a figurines, stones, shells, or seeds that represent family members. How these are placed in relation to each other and the feelings invoked by each allows the facilitator to gather a picture and prove a new healing picture.

    I will do it for you

    Many years ago a client came to see me, she frustratingly spoke about having spent thousands of dollars trying to cure her chronic fatigue to no avail. I asked if she was an only child of divorced parents and with complete astonishment she said ‘yes’    My question was: “who is she holding the burden for?”

    Wanting to see if my hypothesis was correct I asked her to close her eyes and picture her parents in relation to herself, where would they be standing, she said “either side of me and I am standing in the middle!”

    A child out of their absolute love for both parents will do anything to bring about balance in the family by holding the burden. As hubris as this maybe it is not their job, each child is the little one with a need to take their rightful place, their social order in the family, i.e. those who come first come first. The client leaves their parents with their fate. Holding such a burden or taking a position in between parents holding the burden is too much for a child to hold causing chronic fatigue.

    The healing picture or remedy in this case was to ask the client, ‘what is one movement she could do to change this?’ In her minds eye she took one step back so the parents could look at each other and address what had yet to be dealt with between them and in most cases see the love that remains.

    A week later she very excitedly rang to say that she had no chronic fatigue symptoms and hadn’t for a week. She is symptom free still to this day.

    We all come from perfect families

    The family soul continually, as does nature, moves to bring about balance, to acknowledge those who are excluded, to ensure everyone has their rightful place in the family, and the balance of giving and taking is equal.

    The Awakening Group offers weekend workshops in Family Constellations, webinars with international facilitators and Facilitator training programs throughout Australia www.awakening.com.au/courses Brenda Sutherland is available for individual sessions.