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  • We Belong By Sanya Minocha

    We Belong By Sanya Minocha

     

    Each member of the family
    Each part of the puzzle
    All look and seem so different,
    so separate
    There is an order to the chaos.
    There is a reason we exist within the system
    Crossing webs, all over the world
    — An invisible thread ties us together —
    Energy binds us together
    Like glue, westicktogether // Out of loyalty, out of respect.
    But not always in this realm
    This realm, we go about our own lives –
    Never quite recognising the impact of our systemic roots.Till one fine day,  a member of the family finally stops running.
    In pain
    She acknowledges herself – the bearer of a symptom.
    Feeling joy,  she acknowledges the system.
    A split second later, she realises;
    We belong.
  • Taking Your Place

    Taking Your Place

    “To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” E. E. Cummings

    As life tumbles us with a myriad of experiences of which we adjust, try to digest and survive, whilst endeavouring to thrive, a very subtle shift happens. We leave energetically. We stop taking our place, as fully ourselves, right in this moment. I don’t mean intellectually, although we do tend to be in the past or future in our thoughts, but energetically.

    There is no other you. There is no other you having your experiences. There is no other who was born to be you, as you are. Sure there are other people with similar experiences, but there is no other you.

    Taking your place means, right now in this moment taking your place fully, in life, as it is. It takes a fierce presence with what is, not to move from it, or argue with yourself that you could or should be different, it just is. Right now means taking your place in the fierceness of life, right in this moment. There is no other moment.

    “Shame has this whole effect on people – they want to disappear – they don’t want to be here”. Dr Stephan Porges

    As feelings arise, simply take your place and let feelings come and go, they will not move you if this is fully embraced, owned and embodied.

    One could ask “what would it take for you to fully take your place right here and right now”, although that is not even needed as we move from intellectualising to energetically being present!

    So the invite is to take your place in your life, (no one can do this for you) right here and right now, fully as an embodied experience. Fully from the tips of your toes, to the top of your head, tips of your fingers to the tip of your nose. No one else has this life, yet you are never alone.

    Take your place in this moment is your birthright. Running away just makes one prone to the experience of being a pebble on the foreshore. Take your place and don’t move from here energetically, then see what happens to the feelings, thoughts and sensations. When they come, you do not have to work them out, or fix them, or resist them, simply welcome them, as you sit in that fierce compassion for self. Directly experience them, they will then burn up in you, along with the memory that created them. Taking your place, in this moment, is an act of the deepest compassion and full embrace of who you are.

    Its your birthright, your place, live it!

  • There is Never a Conflict of Needs, Only Conflict of Solutions!

    There is Never a Conflict of Needs, Only Conflict of Solutions!

    “I want you to listen to me”, “I want you to stop talking to me like that”….sound familiar? Add your own request here that you often request.

    Sam and Liz are both trying to prioritise their relationship goals. So Sam suggests they go camping more often, whilst Liz loves the theatre, neither agree on the solution as neither like the others idea. Yet each others needs have not been identified, only solutions to meet their needs. This is where conflict usually starts because both are trying to get a need met yet having identified it to them self and then each other. So now we have a conflict of solutions which leads to disappointment, frustration and disconnection in the relationship.

    This is an all too familiar scenario nowadays, one that affects the way we connect and expect from each other. Fundamentally we are each trying to be understood, heard, and connect as well as  feel as though we matter. Our disjointed communication is also filtered through our negative bias in the brain that is geared for war, thus often resulting in misunderstandings causing conflicts.

    The usual scenario is that communication, requests start with being solution focused rather than needs focused, resulting in conflict of solutions without really knowing the need that is trying to be satisfied. Solutions are simply ways of attempting to get a need met.

     “Communication is to relationships what breath is to life” Virginia Satir

    Most of us do not know what need is trying to be met, so we come up with solutions for ourselves, or others without actually understanding the real motivation.

    Now if Sam and Liz started with their needs then solutions would simply flow out of this understanding. SoWhat can be defined as a need? Abraham Maslow highlighted the basic hierarchy of needs in the 1940s, Max Neef expanded on these even further taking into consideration changes in social structure over time.

    Needs can be grouped into 8 basic categories:

    • Interdependent needs
    • Safety and Security
    • Peace
    • Meaning
    • Rest and Play
    • Honesty
    • Physical Wellbeing
    • Autonomy

    These categories were then further fleshed out. For example Autonomy further includes Choice, Freedom, Independence, Integrity, Presence, Space and Spontaneity.

    https://awakening-com.s3.ap-southeast-2.amazonaws.com/2019/01/rcrmuwAn-Needs-Inventory.pdf

    Self Check

    So let’s start with finding one of your needs that did not get met. Think of a situation where you did not get your need met. What were the feelings that arose due to not getting the need met? What were the consequences of not getting that need met? How did this change the relationship with the other? Write them down.

    Now think of a time where you did get your needs met. What were the feelings that arose due to getting the need met? What were the consequences of getting that need met? How did this change the relationship with the other? Write them down.

    Now take a moment and ask yourself in both situations what were the needs trying to get met? Scan the list above to find one that resonates for you per situation. Now in that instance, now that I know the need, how could I have begun to give myself that need? How could I have communicated it to another? How could I have taken care of that need?

    Take Two

    Let’s come back to Sam and Liz as they begin to prioritise their relationship goals. What if they highlighted their respective needs first. ie Sam really wants to ensure that she matters (need) to Liz. Liz wants to feel as though she has autonomy (need) in the relationship with Sam. By understanding and shoring up their needs first they can brainstorm solutions together that work for both. Sam isn’t really into the theatre but loves going to the movies and of course the outdoors. Liz loves wining, dining and the theatre. So Sam and Liz decided that Liz would go with her friends to the theatre (autonomy needs being met) and that the both of them would have a picnic outdoors once a week just the two of them (the need to matter to the other being met). So both needs are met and there is no conflict of solutions.

    Try it

    Listening and feeding back the need to check if you have understood it correctly is the key first, whilst beginning to communicate your own. There is room for everyones needs here. Start with yourself first, as often we don’t even realise that we have needs that are trying to be met. Be honest with yourself. When you have a situation arise find out what need is trying to be met. Use the checklist above, the begin to communicate this first or in response to another.

    When feeding back what the other is saying try by listening for the need and then check if  have grasped it correctly. Here’s how:

    • “Is it that you value (insert specific need)?”
    • Or “It sounds like (insert specific need) is really important to you?”

    Now listen for the response and alter the statement based on what the person feeds back and try again. There is room for everyones needs here, so don’t forget to add your own. For example try:

    • “I really value (insert specific need)”
    • “What is really important to me is (insert specific need)”

    Then add:

    • “Would you be willing to consider coming up with solutions that work for both of us in this situation?”

    Now you are onto something.

    1. Listen for the need, consider and include each others needs. Remember this is a win/win gig.
    2. Brainstorm solutions (don’t dismiss any) and then
    3. Mutually agree on a solution that works for both parties (if one compromises unfortunately there is often pay back)
    4. Implement the solution – decide when, how and where and when you will check in again to hear how it is working for the other
    5. Check results – did that work or do we need to refine our solution?

    Remember to remain curious about your needs and the others.

    By Brenda Sutherland (Founding Director of The Awakening Group)

    For more information and further advanced communication training join us for our online communication training based on the Dr Thomas Gordon model. http://awakening.com.au/course/effective-communication-training-online/

  • Bring the Spark Back Challenge

    Bring the Spark Back Challenge

     

    Relationships are like breathing – inhaling and exhaling, closeness and disconnected, receiving and giving, connection and autonomy.

    “We must be open enough to receive each other” Terry Real

    Often in couple counselling I witness couples who have simply lost touch with how to receive the other, how to connect and share themselves on these levels:

    • physically – we don’t even say good morning any more or hug. We used to exercise together everyday.
    • emotionally – we just don’t talk about the intimate stuff, our needs or feelings anymore, its all about the kids
    • sexually – the erotic pleasure has died and no one initiates sex anymore. If I do I feel like I am going to get rejected
    • intellectually – we don’t share our thoughts or our ambitions, concerns, questions, experiences or insights we literally do our own thing nowadays
    • spiritually – we used to connect in a way that it felt like a spiritual experience, now we can’t even look at each other.

    Sound familiar? Our brains are geared up to automate our life so that it is easier to survive, that means we automate each other too! Tricky if you want to ensure the spark remains. It means being mindful of your relationship, taking responsibility for what you bring into the relationship daily, how you receive the other and what opportunities you take to initiate closeness.

     

    Getting Started

    A couple of things you might want to look at first.

    1. How do I receive my partner? How do I listen to him/her? Do I really hear what they are saying, their feelings and needs?
    2. How do they know I am listening and receive them?
    3. How do I listen to my feelings and needs so I can communicate them clearly?
    4. How do I offer myself, am I under sharing (withholding maybe because I assume they won’t hear or be rejected) or oversharing (because I feel they will reject me?)
    5. What is one thing I can commit to doing differently?
    6. How can I approach my partner to invite this as a new possibility in relationship?

    So heres the deal: We automate each other, so we assume a lot of stuff about the other, which means we alter the way we approach our partner stopping ourselves from asking and negotiating. Then the passion dies! But it is still there, it just needs work.

     

    Giving Up the Defenses

    Interested in bringing the spark back into your relationship?

    In the age of cultivating mutually agreed upon Couple Bubbles where our relationships are safe havens we have to both take care of each other and the relationship. The connection, intimacy, discussions, and emotional wellbeing of a relationship is a two person job. That means you!

    So to help make it work we have to give up a few things:

    1. Wanting to win or be right all the time – both lose!
    2. Controlling your partner to get what you want – they will just disappear into themselves and the passion dies, there will be a pay back!
    3. Revenge if it doesn’t go the way that you want – do you really get your needs met or is this just a tantrum because you don’t want to fess up to them?
    4. Oversharing self expression – what is it that you are covering? Whilst ranting are you really connected or is it a way of avoiding true intimacy?
    5. Withholding or withdrawing (under sharing) – when you withdraw you are not trusted and come across as hiding something. What would it take to put your best foot forward and say it how it is?

    So now that you are aware of some of the strategies you “may” have employed to get your needs met without really discussing them we can take the next step.

     

    Get Clear

    What do you really want in your relationship? What are you prepared to offer to improve it today? Often we wait for the other to get us, hear us, respect us but in the waiting we are simply avoiding and the gap grows bigger, and the resentment more apparent.

    Renew your vision together. Often over time the reason we came together changes. We do those projects, raise the kids and then we need to revision the next phase of our relationship….What fun! Remember this is two person system – Together we revision.

     

    Lets Play!

    Remember you are in a relationship, so this is a joint project. Lets start small.

    Coming back to each component in your relationship. If one area is fully satisfied then the relationship can withstand, for a time, other areas where it maybe lacking.

    1. Physically – connection rituals help us feel secure, intimate, that we matter and are loved!
      • Start with a ritual to connect you both as you launch the day. It doesn’t have to be big (a cuddle before you hop out of bed, coffee together in the morning, breakfast together, a morning walk) but do it daily. Both ensure it happens.
      • Then add a landing ritual – how do you land the day together? Do you go to bed together or does someone full asleep on the couch? Do you read to each other? Do you tell each other about your day? Connect over dinner? Create that landing ritual together.
      • Welcome home hug – Ok this is not one of those “Hi darling and a peck on the cheer gigs” it is an real tender embrace whereby holding each other until you are both totally relaxed (yep more than 5 secs) – Why? Then you don’t bring all that stress from the day home and you feel instantly connected with each other – Win/Win right?!
    2. Emotionally – Make a time each week to share your needs, feelings, withholds (remember does that thing that happened 5 years ago really have to be brought up weekly? Drop it) so as a couple we can take care of them together. We really don’t know how it is for the other unless we share. Be Bold, its worth it.
    3. Sexually – Take the quiz! Do you know your partners turn ons and offs? You will be pleasantly surprised to discover and recover them by simply asking. Maybe they don’t know – so take Emily Nagoski’s quiz and share.
      • Start with eye gazing!
      • Do the 3 minute game by Betty Martin
      • Organise date nights – yep you would be surprised how many couples never take each other out on dates! Do you think it is time?
    4. Intellectually – Share your day, your thoughts, your ideas, dilemmas, feelings and needs – so you get to know each other again. Saves assuming!
      • Mutually amplified positives – that sunset, that ice cream, and Oh My that standing in the rain naked – rope the other in too.
      • Share novel experiences – what are those adventures that you have put on the back burner and the too hard basket – share them
      • Create new memories by doing one thing different every week
      • Remember you are each others best friend. You chose the other to share your life with so lets do it.
    5. Spiritually – bring your partner close,
      • tell them what you love about them,
      • describe what you see in their face
      • eye gaze
      • meditate together

    And above all play! Adults forget to have those pillow fights, feed each other, hop into the shower together, surprise each other with a spontaneous adventure. Remember it is Christmas – be your partners gift!

    by Brenda Sutherland B. Soc. Sc. (Psych) Founder and Direct and Couples Counsellor at The Awakening Group Pty Ltd

  • Are You an Island or a Wave?

    Are You an Island or a Wave?

     Soothing Each Others Nervous System in Relationship

    by Brenda Sutherland

     

    Winter is a time of regrouping, revisioning, renewing as we are asked to go inwards and assess what is working and what is not, at the same time rest. Over the last weeks I have witnessed many couples fighting more than usual, separating or contemplating separation. One of the key factors missing in staying connected and creating a secure functioning relationship is understanding how to:

    1. Keep each other safe                                  2. Stay connected daily
    3. Soothe each others nervous system           4. Misreading cues
    5. Identify each others attachment styles        6. Protect vulnerabilities
    7. Manage Thirds (Competing Forces)    

    These are only a few!

    The missing information, is its not personal, it is psychobiological.

    How do you trigger your partner off? As Stan Tatkin author of ‘Wired for Love’ puts it

    “There are No Angels, No Devils in relationships” 

    If your partner is an Island (Avoidant) do you give them an escape route when you ask them to connect, or demand they hop off their island immediately? Key: Give them an escape route: i.e. “When you are ready…” “I don’t want to stop you from what you are doing but before you go could you hug me” 

    The reality is Islands need an OUT (as they are auto-regulators – I do me) and need an exit route to be available.

    If your partner is a Wave (Anxious/Angry-Resistant) and reject your praise, feedback do you retreat or approach them with loving words? Key: Go towards them with loving words, even if they reject them!

    Waves (external regulators – you do me) need an IN i.e. loving words, as their greatest fear is to be abandoned and rejected. But here’s the key a wave attachment style will reject the first loving words just to see if you can hold them, then if you approach again they soften.

    We are complex yet so simple when we develop a manual, from a psychobiological approach, on each other!

  • I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    An insight into Family Constellations 

    Maria was distraught. For two weeks now she had been having panic attacks and didn’t know why. She was desperate for them to stop, as they were worsening. This was the reason she had found her way to counselling. Two weeks prior her partner of five years had asked her to marry him and she had said ‘yes’ and with such excitement she told her family he had proposed. The next day though she found herself getting extremely anxious, doubting whether he would be a good husband or father, not trusting his ability, questioning who she had been living with over the last five years. As the days went by her anxiety grew, until she found herself experiencing full-blown panic attacks. What had happened?

    Maria’s panic attacks are not unlike many symptoms that appear that are connected to the family lineage, as we are part of the family soul.

    What is the Family Soul?

    We all are connected to a family system or soul that reaches many generations past. We are limited by this history as well as strengthened by our ancestors. A family system is governed by:

    • the need to belong; those who are born into a family (whether survived or thrived), brought into a family through marriage, or who have taken a life from this family, in other words, ‘those who belong’, belong. If anyone is excluded they will be represented by a family member. This is often seen in children of divorced parents, whereby a parent has been criticized by the other, out of hidden loyalty the child will side with the parent excluded and criticized. We are only at peace when everyone is included.

    • the need for social order; This ensures everyone is given their rightful place. In a literal sense, this means those who come first, come first. For example, partners take precedence before children unless in a blended family then each others children come before the new partner. We are born into a special place in our family, that is the first born’s place is before the next child and so on. If out of place, a child will feel burdened, be treated as a parent, or may take the place of a lost child or previous partner resulting in strange dynamics.

    • the need for equilibrium; that is the balance of giving and taking governs the sharing of resources, but also ensures that which has been taken is given back to maintain equilibrium. We feel innocent only when equilibrium is maintained and guilty if it is imbalanced or righteous and embittered if we give too much and do not receive.

    Systems Thinking

    The majority of therapists look at issues presenting within a client on a personal basis, such as ‘what does the client need to change, integrate, realign within themselves for this issue to be resolved?’.

    A Family Constellation facilitator looks beyond the individual or person engaging systemic thinking to look in the direction the symptom (in this case panic attacks) points to within the family system to bring to light the entanglement.

    As members of a family we are symptom bearers pointing to what has not been resolved in the family system. We are all connected, and our soma, behaviors, reactions, emotional patterns or struggles often tell a story of what beckons to be acknowledged in the family that was unable to be resolved, or seen back many generations. We are in subconscious devotion to the family system and all who are connected to this out of love and to ensure the family system stays balanced.

    An indicator that a client’s presenting issue is systemic is that the symptom or issue persists no matter what interventions are applied. The dynamic is: ‘I have this symptom and I don’t want it’, and the family soul says ‘that is how it is’ until this is acknowledged.

    Words are Worlds

    Back to Maria’s panic attacks. My question on hearing her story would be: “who in the family (lineage) would be panicking about marriage?” In Maria’s case, together we looked in the direction of the panic, tracking it using a genogram, noticing hotspots such as accentuated words. She explained that her grandmother (mother’s mother) was Italian and grew up in a little village in Italy, was Roman Catholic and on her honeymoon her newly wed husband announced that he had a mistress, who was pregnant. So ‘who would be panicking around marriage?’ Grandmother!

    This highlighted the systemic principle belonging (as the mistress had to be included in the family as well as the child born of this affair) and the guilt and innocence governing belonging. As a symptom bearer Maria was reliving Grandmother’s panic. Clients have access to the entire family system therefore a simple visualization to include everyone and the panic attacks disappeared. She married her partner and now has a child.

    Your body tells the family story

    Family or Systemic Constellations gives the client a new somatic experience of what they know in their gut to be true. The format this can be done within is

    a) a group whereby participants are chosen to represent a member of the family and are placed to highlight the dynamics between each and the governing principles in play, or

    b) in ones minds eye as a visualization whereby the facilitator gains all necessary information from the client, words, their soma such as eye gaze, breath, how a client holds their body, attachment styles and the clients intention or

    c) using props such a figurines, stones, shells, or seeds that represent family members. How these are placed in relation to each other and the feelings invoked by each allows the facilitator to gather a picture and prove a new healing picture.

    I will do it for you

    Many years ago a client came to see me, she frustratingly spoke about having spent thousands of dollars trying to cure her chronic fatigue to no avail. I asked if she was an only child of divorced parents and with complete astonishment she said ‘yes’    My question was: “who is she holding the burden for?”

    Wanting to see if my hypothesis was correct I asked her to close her eyes and picture her parents in relation to herself, where would they be standing, she said “either side of me and I am standing in the middle!”

    A child out of their absolute love for both parents will do anything to bring about balance in the family by holding the burden. As hubris as this maybe it is not their job, each child is the little one with a need to take their rightful place, their social order in the family, i.e. those who come first come first. The client leaves their parents with their fate. Holding such a burden or taking a position in between parents holding the burden is too much for a child to hold causing chronic fatigue.

    The healing picture or remedy in this case was to ask the client, ‘what is one movement she could do to change this?’ In her minds eye she took one step back so the parents could look at each other and address what had yet to be dealt with between them and in most cases see the love that remains.

    A week later she very excitedly rang to say that she had no chronic fatigue symptoms and hadn’t for a week. She is symptom free still to this day.

    We all come from perfect families

    The family soul continually, as does nature, moves to bring about balance, to acknowledge those who are excluded, to ensure everyone has their rightful place in the family, and the balance of giving and taking is equal.

    The Awakening Group offers weekend workshops in Family Constellations, webinars with international facilitators and Facilitator training programs throughout Australia www.awakening.com.au/courses Brenda Sutherland is available for individual sessions.

  • Meeting in Love

    Meeting in Love

    A Return to Innocence by Brenda Sutherland

    Take a moment and think of your intimate partner. Become aware of the feelings present. If your experience is wholehearted joy or a quiet stillness then your connection with each other is of deep intimacy. If you become aware of tension or issues for example: frustration, disapproval, neglect, stress, unsupported, anger or loneliness then your intimate connection may need reviving. Most of us at some time in our life experience both.The reasons why can be overwhelming whilst the solution can be simple and uncomplicated. As you picture your partner take your awareness to the issue; allow the feeling to be present, rather than the story. Invite the feeling into your body, breathe into it and let it rest there, without trying to fix it or alter it, just letting it do what ever it wants to do. The mind does not have to understand it, or its origin, or discover a solution, in order for the feelings to dissolve.

    “ We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses” Carl Jung

    Take this a step further. On picturing your partner, invite them in, breathe them in relaxing on the out breath. This may take relinquishing a posture you upheld to protect yourself, but the invitation is to take the risk to love wholeheartedly in this moment. Surrender to the invitation.

    Most of our struggles are an attempt to be loved and/or feel love. This invitation ends the struggle. For many the other disappears and there remains stillness, a moment of empty wholeness. Spirit becomes the guide. Our sexual experience has the same invitation – surrender wholeheartedly and let spirit be the guide. We have no choice as our frustration, anxiety, disappointment, stress, fears and resistance all point to the need to embrace and surrender in our intimate relationships.

    From Love ‘Making’ to Meeting ‘in‘ Love the premise behind “normal” lovemaking is that there is something to get, to strive for, to ultimately achieve, to ‘make’ love. It is action based and gives the mind much to take care of. Alternatively, love maybe viewed or experienced as ever present. Therefore lovemaking maybe experienced as ‘meeting in love’, a surrendering to that which is already present, moment by moment. There is nothing to do but let love reveal itself.

    Many couples have experienced, on first meeting, authentic and heart felt loving. Due to demands of work, children, illness, unresolved hurt, old psychological patterns, sexual habits or not understanding each other’s intimacy needs, sex becomes mechanical, alienating both. Couples have usually strived to be sexually normal by pursuing sexual performance without understanding how to connect, to recognise the symptoms of being disconnected and then create the circumstances to reconnect. For some, real connection remains an idea or is deferred until the right time or until they have the time, resulting in increased anxiety and stress, relationship conflict, seeking pleasure elsewhere and the widening of the gap between each other – ending in relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.

    “The long established norms of sexual behaviour in the West have created psychological barriers that restrict inner growth. These “hang-ups,” inculcated by parents and social institutions, have doomed many people to lives of permanent frustration. A desperate attempt to conform to a conventional, though possibly unnatural “norm” of sexual behaviour restricts individual development and may lead to furtive perversion and damaging guilt feelings.” ~ Nik Douglas & Penny Slinger

    When sex/lovemaking remains an intellectual act women find themselves feeling closed off, rigid, frightened, distrusting, ashamed, disappointed and angry yet not understanding why this is as their love for their partner remains. For example, the subtle movement by a man to ‘go for it’ and ejaculate will trigger a women to close off because she feels him shift from his heart into his head. Similarly, when woman pursues her own orgasm, the man experiences the moment when she’s moved from her heart into her head..

    Moving from the heart to the head creates a feeling of being used, or “done too” as many women put it and her heart closes as has the man’s. It is not intentional but consequential. The cycle continues when the woman doesn’t speak up because she doesn’t feel her man is present, wants to give him what she thinks he wants, but then finds herself emotional without knowing why. A deep sense of trust is needed, especially for women, in order for their body and heart to fully open. Many women also experience anger after lovemaking due to their deep sexual energy not being ignited with only the top sexual desire being touched. Lovemaking remains as an act and does not graduate to a deep spiritual union. Men generally, on the other hand, find themselves trying to capture the WOW factor in relationship, yet discover that their intimacy and sexual experience is more and more mechanical, a chore with the mind wandering and the experience devoid of sensual connection or long-lasting satisfaction.

    The problem then is that the urge is to increasingly try to find ways to cultivate the desired feeling with more extreme practices or measures. ‘…….access to orgasm has not brought about long-term satisfaction, physically or emotionally. Somehow, “having” sex, as one “has” other things, seems to be self limiting. Using sex for relief, entertainment, or reassurance that one is attractive appeals to needs generated by the ego but diverts attention from our real sexual potential.’ ~ Margo Anand

    Tantric philosophy created a pathway pointing the way to sacred fulfilling sexual union; gurus have lit the way to enlightenment; relationship experts have spoken and hypothesised about the gap between men and women and the resulting conflicts that arise; but for many the frustration remains. For many couples Tantra or Taoism practices are daunting and fraught with mechanics, the unknown, is time consuming and feeds fears that already exist. For instance: the difficulty with Tantra, as with any philosophy, is that we impose our ideas of normal sexual goals, neurosis and performance strategies onto it. Therefore Tantra eventually becomes something that is done, another technique with goals that should occur and performance measured in comparison to an ideal. The ego tries to encapsulate its idea of what it would really feel like to surrender to spirit. It is inevitable that the mind does this, the disadvantage though is that it further alienates us in relationship and we remain dissatisfied and frustrated. Opening to Love There is a simple opportunity however to return to sensual sexual innocence, to Meet in Love, despite the minds neurosis around sex.

    Meeting in Love’ is an opportunity in relationship to surrender to ‘that which you are’: higher consciousness, divinity itself, spirit. To honour that in this moment there is nothing to get, to achieve, to conquer, to follow (including pleasure) or aim for. These urges, strategies and the minds chatter are not denied, they are witnessed and embraced as aspects of our mind and personality but are not representative of our true Self. It is an opportunity to let your spirit meet in love, to move you in love, to ignite the passion, sexual energies and the grace of sacred union. It is an opportunity to say ‘Yes’ to who you are, to each other and how you are without trying to change anything or anyone.

    Meeting in Love is anew every time. Letting your ‘spirit’ be the guide. It is an invitation to allow the urge to perform, to please, to achieve orgasm, to bring another to orgasm, or retract exist in our sexual experience without pursuing them in lovemaking. The gifts in surrendering to what is allow desire, urges, feelings or issues to pass without effort. Remaining is the ever-present spontaneity, wisdom and aliveness of spirit. Trust, ultimately needed to feel our bodies open up and surrender, is cultivated naturally through Meeting in Love. As a woman experiences her man not pursuing any goal her body relaxes, opens deeper and deeper and energetically connects with him. Men experience a deeper sense of potency, aliveness and esteem because the connection with his partner is authentic and liberating. There is a saying that ‘women need love so they are available for sex and men need sex in order to experience love’. Meeting in Love satisfies both genders’ needs simultaneously. Meeting in Love is an exquisite opportunity to be humbled, whilst acknowledging that the wisdom of spirit far outweighs our arrogance and striving. As we allow ourselves to be humbled, our sensual sexual innocence emerges accompanied by subtle intermingling of sexual energies on a soul level. Surrendering to trusting spirit takes us to deeper levels of intimacy, sexual bliss and ecstasy. Osho highlighted this when he said:

    “Nobody knows what is going to happen. You are simply left in the divine vortex. It will take you, and it will take you wherever it wants. You are simply available, ready to move with it. You don’t direct it – you have simply become vehicles. Let energies meet in their own ways.”

    To begin with this is challenging as the mind searches for something to do, to capture and resolve through stimulating ideas of how to, issues, goals, strategies and the like.

    Meeting in Love may initially reveal feelings of being exposed due to the habitual way we operate in lovemaking to protect ourselves. For example: women may perform to please their men disguising their fears and mistrust of men. Men may perform and aim for ejaculation for many reasons, e.g.: a feeling of release, it’s pleasurable, habitual and disguises the confusion regarding how to perform or satisfy. The problem lies in the gap that is created when sex is performed as a cerebral act. The sensual sexual exquisiteness of melting together moment by moment is missed. And frustration in various forms is prevalent. However after a time of making a commitment to meet in love the initial nervousness and issues of the mind subside and the mind becomes a servant to spirit bowing down to allow our intimate connection to be one of wholeness, oneness, rejuvenating, joyous with boundless energy and love. The game goes something like this: surrender, connection and sensual bliss is experienced, then the mind realises the body is experiencing bliss and oneness and the mind tries to own it and reinvent the feelings – now you are following the mind, so the feelings and connection subside. Then you realise you are in your mind and you let go/surrender into each other and the connection appears again and the cycle continues. This is natural. At some point you witness the ego wanting to own the experience – when there is no movement to follow it, surrender remains.

    Meeting In Love To ease moving into Meeting in Love there are a number of principles needed to understand:

    1. Love is ever present even if we’re not presently experiencing it. We are held within Love and are Love itself. Every movement we make is a Movement in Love.

    2. Each person is honoured as whole therefore there is nothing to change or achieve.

    3. Responsibility is held with oneself. Responsibility can be viewed as the ability to respond to one’s ‘heart’s desire’ moment by moment.

    4. Vulnerability is the key to an open heart and authentic intimacy (in to me see).

    5. Be willing to surrender to what is, let energy move you. Surrender means to let this moment have you, to ride the waves of sensual sexual bliss without trying to capture them.

    Meeting in Love is not something you can do, it happens by divine grace.

    Meeting in Love

    • is not confined to ability, sexual functionality and can be indulged in by young and old, abled or disabled, the ill and frail as spirit will always guide the meeting.

    • enlivens tired parents who are too tired to “make love,” yet needing to remain connected whilst supporting their children.

    • ignites libido without strategy, rebuilds trust and intimacy, relaxes, resolves longstanding issues preventing intimacy, dissolves cellular memory, opens your heart to love deeper and whole heartedly.

    • reconnects you with each other with longer lasting results, often without ejaculation or genital orgasm. Yet none of this can be achieved if you go looking for it, it is the job of spirit in its own time and pace.

    • David Deida speaks to men by saying: Moment by moment, practice loving through your woman and the world, allowing the force of your surrender to transform every moment into an orgasm of divine dissolution.

    Embrace every moment of experience as a lover, and trust whatever direction love moves you. Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.”

    Creating the Setting for Meeting in Love:

    1. Talk to each other about making a commitment to Meeting in Love. Speak about not fixing or resolving issues but suggest voicing them initially, so the mind does not continue entertain them, leaving the meeting of spirits to take care of this.

    2. Take time to Meet in Love without distractions. Don’t wait until you feel good, or sexual bring how you feel to meeting in love. If you are not sure why you are feeling angry, unsettled, frightened, upset then Meeting in Love is fantastic for allowing this to appear, move through you and then support your return to a sense of peace.

    3. Lay together. To begin with gently look at each other in the eyes. Breathe as this allows feelings and energy to move freely through you. Honour each other, in whatever way you like, as the doorway to the truth of who you are, and for the courage it takes to be vulnerable and authentically intimate.

    4. If issues such as mistrust, fear, guilt or revolt come up or an urge to “go for it” arises, briefly voice them without discussion or trying to fix it, following it or owning the other’s issue. Invite these issues into the togetherness by accepting them in your body without following them or trying to change anything. Breathe. Give the issues over to spirit, allowing spirit to resolve them.

    5. Feel yourselves melt in each other’s arms and for a time allow nothing to happen. This allows for the mind to surrender in trusting spirit to move in love.

    6. Be available to whatever happens. There are no rules, goals or right way or wrong way. For some women, lying with her partner’s lingam (penis) inside her yoni (vagina) creates an energy circuit. The man does not need to be erect but can be flaccid and relaxed.

    Although pleasurable for both it is not necessary to do more than to surrender to spirit. Many men find this a relief as it helps them let go of the need to perform whilst women can feel her man’s presence, and open to trust. Head to Heart

    How do you know when you are letting spirit move you in love?

    Within the movements or no movement the experience maybe of having no energetic separation between you and your partner. The body takes over the mind, knowing exactly what to do and when, with seemingly little to no effort. There are high ecstatic peaks and sensual valleys of energy, exquisite intimacy, wild passion, a deep wordless energetic connection sometimes with orgasm, sometimes without, sometimes with penetration, sometimes without. The next time you Meet in Love it maybe completely different. That is the wisdom of spirit. When you are following your mind it produces a slight mechanical experience and disconnection of energies changing the experience from sacred union to sex, from oneness to pursuing orgasm. If this appears, voice it and stop or slow down whatever you are doing and surrender to spirit, to this moment, the reconnection will be there as spirit guides you.

    For some Meeting in Love is a relief, an end to a life time worth of questions.

    “You do not need to do anything, just remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, just wait. Do not even wait just be quiet, still and solitary, and the universe will expose itself to you. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet’ Franz Kafka

    We can alter the environment, the furniture and yet the fact remains the universe has no choice when surrendered to it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

    Bibliography:

    The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

    The Book of Secrets Vol 2 by Osho

    The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand

  • My Sexual Self and I

    My Sexual Self and I

    Let’s talk about pleasure, sexual pleasure, your sexual pleasure. Let’s explore sexual arousal, passion, erotic desire, fantasies, attraction, sexual impulses and the untamed sexual drive.

     “No bill of sexual rights can hold its own against the lawless untameable landscape of the erotic imagination.”  Daphne Merkin

    What are the implications of overly tamed sexual impulses? The mundaneness of routine sex? And the tendency to seek adventure outside long-term relationships, rather than exploring a renewed sense of sexual adventure within relationship?

    Following on from the #meetoo campaign, there has been a great deal written about the misuse of position. This is not to dispute each claims validity, the abuse of power and the confusion inherent in these interactions. It is rather to highlight often unasked fundamental questions, questions not fully understood or addressed in our everyday encounters and relationship with our own sexuality. They simply are:

    * Do I know what I want?
    * Do I know how my sexual self works?
    * Can I congruently communicate this to my sexual partner at the time?

    It is urgent we cultivate a richer erotic intelligence with our own sexual self and with each other.

    In her article “Bad Sex? No, It’s Girl Power Gone Wrong”, Janet Alberchtsen wrote:

    “If Grace’s other sexual encounters are the same, she needs to ask how is a man meant to knowwhat she’s thinking when she doesn’t make it clear to him? When Ansari didn’t turn out to be Mr Darcy, Grace expected him to be capable of reading her mind. That’s a big enough ask and rather tricky when you’re not sure what’s in your own mind” (2018 p15)

    Erotic intelligence requires us to navigate and embrace our unique sexual response system to keep us safe, as well as those with whom we are intimate. It requires us to separate inherited taboos and gender role inhibitions, and embrace the vibrancy and unpredictability of erotic passion rather than burying our desires and contracting ourselves to assumed mundaneness.

    It is the ability to walk the unknown with confidence, to know the inner workings of our own sexual responses and be able to safely move between the erotic and safety, to ensure our sexual pleasure continues to flourish in the environment of innocence, adventurous exploration and mutual respect.

     

    The Problem

    Here lies the problem. If we don’t know what we want, like, or how our own unique internal sexual response system works, how are we going to convey this to our lover(s), husband, wife? How are we going to communicate verbally and physically through congruent cues, if the internal struggle between the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) i.e., the sexual brake and the Sexual Excitation System (SES) i.e., sexual accelerator have not been resolved?

    To make the science a little easier lets relabel the SIS as the ‘Safe Brain’ and the SES as the ‘Erotic Brain’.

    How do they work together within you in order to respond to sexual stimulus? Does one rule over the other? What are the results of their interaction or separateness? How does this play out in our everyday sexual encounters? Are they culturally bound?

     

    Meet the Guests

    Let’s take Lucy for example. She has recently started dating again after 2 years, and has found that she sleeps with guys because they like her, but doesn’t really know if she likes them. She ends up being treated badly and no relationship is sustainable.

    Mark finds himself so attracted to his partners that his body takes over and he premature ejaculates. This he finds embarrassing and has been denigrated for by his ex wife, which further erodes his sexual self-confidence.

    Dot finds her interest in sex with her husband has diminished greatly after 15 years of marriage and she finds the same sexual routine boring and tedious. She thinks it might possibly be due to peri-menopause but is uncertain. She is concerned as to the consequence of her lack of interest in her relationship, especially since she has a new co-worker whom she fantasies about daily.

    Joe at 60 years of age gets excited when there is an invitation to be sexually intimate with his partner, but when it comes to penetration he loses his erection.

    Sarah has been a catholic nun her whole adult life and having never experienced sexual intimacy finds herself exhausted all the time.

     

    The Question

    The question that nearly always arises is “Am I normal?” The quick answer: YES! Emily Nagoski so eloquently put it:

     

    “When you embrace your sexuality precisely as it is right now,

    that’s the context that creates the greatest potential for ecstatic pleasure” (2015:p 6)

     

    A Little Science

    Before plunging further into the realm of sexual pleasure, here’s a little science.

    The Dual Control model of human sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, provides an organizing principle for understanding the true story of sex. It is a contemporary concept of mechanisms rooted in the central nervous system that controls human sexual behaviours. The idea is that sexual response is a result of the “interaction between sexual excitatory and sexual inhibitory processes.” In other words, some things push us towards sex and other things push us away from sex, and how we feel about sex at any given time depends on which force is currently greater.

    “Your own SIS and SES, and their relationship to your mood or anxiety, are unique and individual. The goal of understanding your brake and accelerator is not to understand “what men are like” versus “what women are like” but to understand what you are like. Unique, with great potential for awesomeness.” Emily Nagoski

    It turns out that sexual arousal, desire and orgasm are universal experiences. How we experience them depends on sensitivities of the sexual brake and accelerator, how they work together, and what stimuli they are given as to whether we feel turned on or not. The way our internal response system is organised is in no way better or worse than another; we are simply unique in our responses. We are all different. We are all the same. We are all normal.

     

    What Is the Erotic Brain and Safe Brain?

    Simplifying the science of sexual arousal we can colloquially call the SES the Erotic Brain, and the SIS the Safe Brain.

    A. Erotic Brain = Sexual accelerator, (SES) Sexual Excitation System.

    This is the Yes brain. What turns you on? The Erotic Brain:

    * is where our sexual inhibitions are minimal, our sexual fantasies get to be played out, where there are very few boundaries, and gender roles are fluid.

    * functions to pursue sexual desire.

    * is continually scanning for opportunities, for sexually relevant material.

    * sends signals to your brain through your senses that are sexually stimulating, turning you on.

    * can have a low, medium or high sexual accelerator. High SES often means sex is most likely used to de-stress.

    * also relates to how we can be beckoned, as Dr Stan Tatkin coins it, attracted through our senses.

     

    B. Safe Brain = Sexual brake, (SIS) Sexual Inhibition System.

    On the other side of the spectrum is the Safe Brain, the No Brain. What turns you off?

    The Safe Brain can be the sum of all the personal, cultural and familial taboos, restrictions, beliefs and inhibitions you absorbed as a child. From a systemic perspective, sex is influenced by the generational stories and unacknowledged fates of those who came before. They are the stories of those who need to be seen and acknowledged that we play out and find ourselves often bound by.

    The Safe Brain:

    * consists of External and Internal brakes, when engaged can create low arousal due to internal fears (i.e., premature ejaculation) or external fears (i.e., pregnancy or STIs),

    * continually scans for threats, whether perceived or real, filtering input influenced by beliefs and fears,

    * scans the environment for reasons not to be aroused,

    * sends neurological signals to the brain to turn off,

    * can have low, medium or high sexual inhibition system.

    * A high Safe Brain may view only certain conditions or environments as safe where you can feel relaxed and have a trusting elicit arousal.

    * also can make us aware of how we can be beckoned in a way that works for us rather than turned off.

     

    Esther Perel highlights the interplay between the erotic and the safe brain and our response to sexual stimuli by saying:

     “Sex is vulnerable and risky; in this sense, there’s no ‘safe sex’..…..

    Erotic passion is defiant and unpredictable – which leaves many people

    feeling separate and vulnerable. (2003)

     

    Erotic Brain vs Safe Brain – How they can work together?

    Each brain comes with inherent qualities. If out of balance with one brain ruling more than the other, we find ourselves in situations that can be overwhelming, frightening or disheartening. Understanding our own internal erotic interplay creates safe and exciting ways to enhance and sustain a rich erotic life, especially if openly communicated to our partner(s).

    The ability to understand our own unique sexual arousal system, through enquiring into the influencers that have contributed to the cultivation, for instance of a high accelerator or high brake, gives us the ability to change it. As Dan Siegel rightly exclaims, “Name it and you can tame it” (2014). Once this depth of acceptance and awareness is established within ourselves we are able to respond accordingly and educate our partners. This to many, means deeper connection that adds adventure and aliveness to our relationships. Furthermore, as Stan Tatkin often eludes to, we are able to add this information to developing a manual on how our partners work, in this case to our sexual arousal system.

    Enquiring, into whether the influencers in developing our sexual arousal system are cultural, systemic, familial, religious or personal decisions, is essential to unravelling the interplay between both brains and to cultivating a collaborative internal experience. Such an interactive dance between the two brains can bring about a rich and fulfilling sexual adventure, a renewed sense of freedom and connection, not only within oneself as we accept our uniqueness, but also with our partner with whom we are able to connect more profoundly and playfully.

     

    Returning Guests

    Lets go back to Lucy whose Erotic Brain rules when she is dating, with little Safe Brain online. We could look at her inherent belief ‘if I don’t sleep with him he will leave’, or at how Lucy can de-stress in other ways than sex. We could have Lucy dialogue between her two brains to initiate a collaborative relationship so that her safe brain leads and the erotic brain follows, at least at the beginning of a relationship, allowing Lucy to discern what is safe and adventurous, with sustainability. 

    “People often end up in affairs to break from what they imagine is predictable boredom. Often when the “dull partner” ends up having an affair the other is surprised. This is because the supposedly familiar partner is in fact mysterious and unknown” Esther Perel (2015)

    Mark, on the other hand, had his Erotic Brain taking over and was not working in collaboration with his Safe Brain or sexual brake. With no brake online, this meant his arousal heightened and resulted in premature ejaculation. A dialogue within him between the Erotic Brain and Safe Brain proved remarkably successful allowing Mark to no longer experience pre-mature ejaculation.

    Esther Perel noted that in Dot’s case, one would challenge “the idea that security inside the relationship and adventure outside means pointing out that the familiarity we seek to impose on the other kills desire.”  Does Dot have outdated cultural frames, hidden loyalties or familial experiences that have indicated that sex within marriage is boring, a duty and dies as we age? Often we see parents move to separate beds, complain about the other’s sexual desire and that they are not interested. Unfortunately children tend to take on this frame without question. In this case, the Safe Brain overly engages in certain settings and time frames. For instance, when a partner becomes pregnant we are not culturally inclined to view mothers as sexual. Cultural beliefs about age and sex also engage the Safe Brain which diminishes arousal.

    From the perspective of New York Psychoanalyst, Stephan Mitchell, who wrote ‘Can Love Last?’ “Safety is presumed, not a given, but a construction” (2003)

    “A sexual relationship is like learning a script neither of you has read. But you only notice this when one of you forgets your lines. And then, in the panic, you desperately try and remember something that you haven’t really forgotten. You hope the other person will prompt you. You start to hear voices off stage. You bring on another character.” Adam Phillips (1996:p)

    The question bids to be asked, do you know how to enliven your partner’s passion and your own passion over time? Will your romance fade over time or become riskier?

    This brings us to Joe whose sexual brake engages at the most precarious moment; when entering his partner he loses his erections. What has been his experience of sex? Why does his Safe Brain engage in “no” at such a delicious moment? What overshadows his sexual innocence that needs to be separated, explored and maybe left where it belongs? How can he engage his Erotic Brain during sex? What is the turn off?

    Sarah, a Catholic nun, is the same, different and normal too. Her sexual brake was nurtured by her religious beliefs causing her Safe brain to rule and trap all her sexual energy. Sarah was unable to tap into this energy and utilise it on a daily basis in her responsibilities. Once she accepted that she also has an Erotic Brain, she felt more energised and was able to channel this sexual energy into her daily duties. Even nuns have Erotic Brains.

    “If you’re having trouble with any phase of sexual response, it would be wise to start by asking yourself: “Is it because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated enough? Or… is there something that’s hitting my brakes?” — Once you know whether it’s a problem with the accelerator or the brakes, you can figure out how to create the change you want in your sex life.”

    Emily Nagoski (2015:p50)

    Furthermore,“[p]hysical pleasure offers a unique haven for many men and women; the soothing powers of the body make it the place for freedom of expression. It’s only during sex that they’re able to escape their anxieties and obsessive ruminations. The physical pleasure tunes out the numbing stress of the everyday. It provides solace and self revelation, along with a sense of connections.” Esther Perel (2003)

    As Daphne Merkin suggests, the hindering of our erotic intelligence is epidemic because “in fact what most people don’t talk about when they talk about sex is still almost everything — everything, that is, that shakes up our reassuring notions of the normative, everything that doesn’t fit into the confining model of heterosexual adult behaviour endorsed by our progressive but underlyingly puritanical society”.

    Which one rules you? Safe Brain or Erotic Brain? Take the Quiz in Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come As you Are’ and discover for yourself. Then lets talk to each other about it! 

    Workshop

    Brenda Sutherland is presenting ‘My Sexual Self & I” at the Australasian Constellation Intensive in Feb/Mrch 2018 in Sydney to find out more go to: http://constellationintensive.com/guest-presenters/

    References

    Alberchtsen, Janet, (2018) Bad Sex? No, It’s Girl Power Gone Wrong,  The Weekend Australian 20-21 January.

    De la Torre, Paula, (2017) Sexual Brakes and Accelerators., Howl Magazine, 29 March.

    Cited https://www.howlnewyork.com/single-post/2017/03/28/Your-Sexual-Brakes-Accelerators

    Janssen, Erick & Bancroft, John, (2007) The Dual Control Model: The Role of Sexual Inhibition and Excitation in Sexual Arousal and Behaviour. The Psychophysiology of Sex. Indiana University Press. Bloomington, IN. Retrieved http://www.indiana.edu/~sexlab/files/pubs/JanssenBancroft.pdf

    Janssen E., Vorst H., Finn P., Bancroft J., (2002) The Sexual Inhibition (SIS) and Sexual Excitation (SES) Scales: I. Measuring sexual inhibition and excitation proneness in men. Journal Sex Research. May: 39(2):114-26. Cited https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12476243

    Mitchell, Stephen (2003), Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time, Norton Professional Books. http://icpla.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Mitchell-S.-Can-Love-Last-Safety-and-Adventure-Chap-1-Pp.31-57.pdf

    Merkin, Daphne, (2000) Behind Closed Doors, The New York Times Magazine, 3 December. Cited  http://www.nytimes.com/2000/12/03/magazine/behind-closed-doors-the-last-taboo.html

    Nagoski, Emily, (2015) Come As You Are, Scribe Publications, United Kingdom.

    Perel, Esther, (2003, 2014) Erotic Intelligence, Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity., Psychotherapy Networker Inc., May/June. Cited https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/832/erotic-intelligence

    https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/415/erotic-intelligence

    Phillips, Adam, (1996) Monogamy, Pantheon Books, New York.

    Siegel, Dan (2014) cited by Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDLzppD4Jc

    Take the Sexual Temperament quiz in Emily Nagoski’s book to find out how your SIS and SES work.  http://www.emilynagoski.com/new-page/