Recently I experienced a deep hurt and betrayal, something I had not experienced for a very long time. What was surprising amongst the directly experiencing the feelings of rage, hatred, anger, hurt and despair was a part of me that was simply watching the experience. I am not talking about dissociation, as I was right in there experiencing all the feels, yet another part was aware of experience of it, the energy of it, the pure energy of the feelings.
So with the help of a dear colleague, we all need friends in a time of crisis, we began to say sorry to that part of me who experienced the sadness, grief, despair, betrayal, the rage, the feeling of never good enough, trying to prove myself, the rejection, being unseen, unheard, the list was endless.
When was the last time someone apologised for what they did and it really got in?
The surprisingly simple result was that the feelings came and went as I directly experienced them, they simply washed through me. So I kept going into the hurt and fears as a child and how this instance related to those unhealed times. What was left was pure energy of me, life itself, peace.
So I wanted to share this with you in the hope that those very challenging experiences get easier and you do not lose yourself in the midst of distress and heartbreak.
Find the Part of You Who Is Distressed
Take a moment to drop into your body, just how it is, with all the feels, and simply notice that there is a part of you distressed, overwhelmed, confused, hurting…etc
Breathe with that part, maybe even put your hand on your heart to support that part.
Begin to say to this part quietly within, whilst adding your own feelings:
“I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”
Drop into the feeling, deeply allowing that part of you to experience how it is/was, as well as acknowledging how it is for that part. Saying yes to that part who tries so hard to have their story told, and how it was/is for them.
Then to say the sentence out loud to that part. “I am so sorry you got to feel ………..(sad, insert your feeling here)”
Drop into the next feeling and what is there and repeat the process, each time directly experiencing, surrendering to the feeling in the body with that part, like holding a friends hand whilst they grieve.
Apologising
Here are some examples of feelings and ways to acknowledge the reality of that part:
“I am so sorry you felt betrayed….”
“I am so sorry you were made to feel ……”
“I am so sorry they didn’t see you….”
“I am so sorry you never felt enough……”
“I am so sorry you felt as though you didn’t matter…..”
“I am so sorry you……”
“I am sorry you…”
Keep going until there is just peace.
This work is inspired by Internal Family Systems Therapy, Compassionate Key work as well as the Hawaiian healing practice, Ho’oponopono, one of forgiveness and reconciliation that restores harmony within you and around you.
Daily Practice
When things get tough, a daily practice is essential to keep vigilant in meeting the energy that is struggling to be digested, integrated and felt. Add complex grief in there, where trauma is intermixed with grief, you have a wild ride of feelings.
Taking time to sit with the parts of us who got hurt, frightened, overwhelmed and distressed, to connect to that part and apologise helps create new neurological pathways, burns up cellular memory and uses memory reconstruction to heal long forgotten parts of us that still get triggered in our everyday life. What shows up is the experience of coming home to yourself and the peace of who you really are.
You may like to set some time aside everyday to sit and connect with this part, to drop into the body and begin to find the feelings trying to be seen and start to say, “I am so sorry you feel so frightened (insert your feeling here)”, “I am sorry you felt like you…….” etc
Then see what changes in your life.
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Written by Brenda Sutherland (Founding Director of The Awakening Group)
We would love to hear what changes in your life. Simply add your comments below.
