“We often expect our partners be the best. But how do you bring out their best? Bringing out the best in them, means you get the best.” Brenda Sutherland
Kayak camping the Gordon River for 6 days in Tasmania meant being partnered with a guy I didn’t know or particularly connect with. Tasmanian weather was in its fine form; raining, freezing (it snowed in the mountains one night we were camping), rough seas on the Macquarie Harbour before entering the river and windy. It’s terrain that if you stuff up it is very uncomfortable as you cannot dry anything out in the bush. My partner was put in the drivers position in the kayak, I was hoping it was because he was a professional bus driver. As we were both experienced kayakers as a team we were fast which meant we didn’t even really notice when we starting to sink until reaching land and discovered that all the gear in the back hatch was wet. His sleeping bag, clothes and other gear were all wet, on freezing cold nights! This one mistake of not closing the hatch on a kayak meant little sleep and an overwhelmed partner in the drivers seat, as my gear was dry in the front hatch.
Something I learned on the water kayaking with a stranger was the necessity to bring out the best in each other. We needed each other to kayak approximately 25 kilometres a day loaded with all our gear whilst dressed like Michelin men with the amount of protective gear on to ward off the cold winds and rain. Little sleep meant a partner who was discombobulated, grumpy and unable to work as a team to the best of our ability. Not ideal in high winds and high waves on the bay! As well as entering the river added the water flow of the river against us which entailed working harder.
We were fast but I didn’t want to kayak the Gordon river to go fast, I craved an immersive experience getting lost in her cliffs, shores, wildlife, flora, Huon pines, sassafras, sounds of the bush and river, smells, green and the essence of water. This was a problem as my partner liked fast!
The challenge was to bring out the best in each other whilst getting each others needs met. So how do you bring out the best in each other? This is often a question I have couples ask each other.
10 key ingredients to bringing out the best in each other:
- Understand each others attachment styles. We all have survival strategies and our attachment styles were formed in the early years of our development. These are Avoidant (self soothe by hopping on their island as they get swamped easily), Ambivalant- Anxious (external regulators, so need the other to help regulate their nervous system because they can’t do this themselves well but fear rejection and abandonment), Secure (they can self soothe and be regulated by others) and Disorganised (they had a parent who was dangerous so going towards someone to be soothed at times makes their brain go disorganised). Understanding each others attachment style means you can begin to understand the patterns and not take behaviour inherent in each style personally, but instead develop a manual on each other. The good news is attachment styles are fluid and change per relationship we are in. Also we can build earned secure relationships over a period of 5 years together.
- Know how to beckon each other from the other side of the room without words. We all have needs and knowing how to get those met quickly means that we don’t go into old patterns of neglect, rejection, abandonment or swamping.
- Know the others vulnerabilities and how to avoid triggering them as well as understanding how to soothe them quickly so that each other stays connected and safe.
- Be aware of the different types of processing speeds – fast does not mean better as you leave your partner behind. We all process information at particular speeds, some we call Hares others Tortoises. If you have a high processing speed (hare) slow down to met the others speed, and if you have a slow processing speed (tortoise) then quicken it so that you are not taking others offline. As silence is perceived in the nervous system as a threat.
- Stay connected through communication and daily rituals. Working as a team to get the best out of each other means ensuring nothing gets into the middle of you both. That means creating rituals that launch the day together (5 mins can be enough), land the day together, and welcome home hugs. Hug out the day you have had. Agree on weekly relationship check-ups so that you are not dragging unresolved issues around that begin to create gaps in the connection.
- Demonstrate that the other matters. We all have a need to matter to the other. Words are not always enough here, it’s the gestures that indicate that the other is thinking of us, it can simply be the little things, like making coffee in the morning, a text to check in, flowers, organise something that you know the other loves.
- Making each other laugh. Do you know how to make the other laugh quickly. This helps regulate nervous systems quickly keeping everyone connected and online. If in doubt hug it out!
- Know what the other values. Often in relationships that are sustainable there is shared values. Values collisions are often the downfall of relationships as they are embedded in bigger family loyalties. Therefore it is important to understand how to influence the other whilst respecting their values.
- Develop Relationship Goals. Take time to develop relationship goals together and who is going to do what.
- Teams are “We gigs” not a “Me gig” Check in with yourself. How am I contributing to the space in the middle, our team? Action it out.
As for my kayaking partner and I, we swapped drivers seats and he rested in not having to take care of where we were going so much, we slowed down, although we both liked fast at times so we would go our normal fast pace at times and slow down for others, or simply stop and connect with other team members. We also made it more interesting as to why we were kayaking rather than the destination, the journey became more fascinating, so less reason to race. We were a good team, even though we had little in common other than kayaking.
What do you do to stay connected?
