Take a moment and think of your intimate partner. Become aware of the feelings present. If your experience is wholehearted joy or a quiet stillness then your connection with each other is of deep intimacy. If you become aware of tension or issues for example: frustration, disapproval, neglect, stress, disappointment, anger or loneliness then your intimate connection needs reviving. Most of us at some time in our life experience both. The reasons why can be overwhelming whilst the solution can be simple and uncomplicated.
From a psychobiological approach we are wired to each other, we have the capacity to regulate each other with our bodies (a full body hug will do this), experience heightened states of consciousness and ecstasy whilst healing. Meeting in Love provides offers a practise for couples that drops the goals, the pursuit of orgasm beyond our busy ownership of the mind. It is where sex becomes a meditation.
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses” ~ Carl Jung
Take a moment and picture your partner in your minds eye. Breathe them in, invite them in relaxing on the out breath. This may take relinquishing a posture or a part of you upheld to protect yourself, but the invitation is to take the risk to love wholeheartedly in this moment. The invitation is to open and surrender to the energy in between you both.
Most of our struggles are an attempt to be loved and/or feel love. This invitation ends the struggle. For many the other disappears and there remains stillness, a moment of empty wholeness. Spirit becomes the guide. Our sexual experience has the same invitation – surrender wholeheartedly and let spirit be the guide. We have no choice as our frustration, anxiety, disappointment, stress, fears and resistance all point to the need to embrace and surrender in our intimate relationships.
From Love ‘Making’ to Meeting ‘in‘ Love the premise behind “normal” lovemaking is that there is something to get, to strive for, to ultimately achieve, to ‘make’ love. It is action based and gives the mind much to take care of. Alternatively, love maybe viewed or experienced as ever present. Therefore lovemaking maybe experienced as ‘meeting in love’, a surrendering to that which is already present, moment by moment. There is nothing to do but let love reveal itself.
Many couples have experienced, on first meeting, authentic and heart felt loving. Due to demands of work, children, illness, unresolved hurt, old psychological patterns, trauma, sexual habits or not understanding each other’s intimacy needs, sex becomes mechanical, in turn alienating both. Couples have usually strived to be sexually normal by pursuing sexual performance without understanding how to connect, to recognise the symptoms of being disconnected and then create the circumstances and practises to reconnect. For some, real connection remains an idea or is deferred until the right time or until they have the time, resulting in increased anxiety and stress, relationship conflict, seeking pleasure elsewhere and the widening of the gap between each other – ending in relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.
“The long established norms of sexual behaviour in the West have created psychological barriers that restrict inner growth. These “hang-ups,” inculcated by parents and social institutions, have doomed many people to lives of permanent frustration. A desperate attempt to conform to a conventional, though possibly unnatural “norm” of sexual behaviour restricts individual development and may lead to furtive perversion and damaging guilt feelings.” ~ Nik Douglas & Penny Slinger
When sex/lovemaking remains an intellectual act the other partner finds themselves feeling closed off, rigid, frightened, distrusting, ashamed, disappointed, in their minds a lot, empty and angry yet not understanding why this is as their love for their partner remains. For example, the subtle movement by a man to ‘go for it’ and ejaculate will trigger a women to close off because she feels him shift from his heart into his head. Similarly, when a woman pursues her own orgasm, the man experiences the moment when she’s moved from her heart into her head and some men will lose their erection.
Moving from the heart to the head creates a feeling of being used, or “done too” as many women put it and her heart closes as has the man’s. It is not intentional but consequential. The cycle continues when the woman doesn’t speak up because she doesn’t feel her man is present, wants to give him what she thinks he wants, but then finds herself emotional without knowing why. A deep sense of trust is needed in order for the body and heart to fully open. Many women also experience anger after lovemaking due to their deep sexual energy not being ignited with only the top sexual desire being touched. Lovemaking remains as an act and does not graduate to a deep spiritual union. Men generally, on the other hand, find themselves trying to capture the WOW factor in relationship, yet discover that their intimacy and sexual experience is more and more mechanical, a chore with the mind wandering and the experience devoid of sensual connection or long-lasting satisfaction.
The problem then is that the urge is to increasingly try to find ways to cultivate the desired feeling with more extreme practises or measures. ‘…….access to orgasm has not brought about long-term satisfaction, physically or emotionally. Somehow, “having” sex, as one “has” other things, seems to be self limiting. Using sex for relief, entertainment, or reassurance that one is attractive appeals to needs generated by the ego but diverts attention from our real sexual potential.’ ~ Margo Anand
Tantric philosophy created a pathway pointing the way to sacred fulfilling sexual union one based on expanding and liberating sexual energy generated by opposite polarities. Gurus have lit the way to enlightenment through tantra; relationship experts have spoken and hypothesised about the gap between men and women and the resulting conflicts that arise, but for many the frustration remains. For many couples Tantra or Taoism practises are daunting and fraught with mechanics, the unknown, is time consuming and feeds fears that already exist. For instance: the difficulty with Tantra, as with any philosophy, is that we impose our ideas of normal sexual goals, neurosis and performance strategies onto it. Therefore, Tantra eventually becomes something that is done, another technique with goals that should occur and performance measured in comparison to an ideal. The ego tries to encapsulate its idea of what it would really feel like to surrender to spirit. It is inevitable that the mind does this, the disadvantage though is that it further alienates us in relationship and we remain dissatisfied and frustrated.
Opening to Love
There is a simple opportunity however to return to sensual sexual innocence, to Meet in Love, despite the minds neurosis around sex.
Meeting in Love’ is an opportunity in relationship to surrender to ‘that which you are’: higher consciousness, divinity itself, spirit. To honour that in this moment there is nothing to get, to achieve, to conquer, to follow (including pleasure) or aim for. These urges, strategies and the minds chatter are not denied, they are witnessed and embraced as aspects of our mind and personality but are not representative of our true Self. It is an opportunity to let your spirit meet in love, to move you in love, to ignite the passion, sexual energies and the grace of sacred union. It is an opportunity to say ‘Yes’ to who you are, to each other and how you are without trying to change anything or anyone.
Meeting in Love is anew every time. Letting your ‘spirit’ be the guide. It is an invitation to allow the urge to perform, to please, to achieve orgasm, to bring another to orgasm, or retract exist in our sexual experience without pursuing them in lovemaking. The gifts in surrendering to what is, allows desire, urges, feelings or issues to pass without effort. Remaining is the ever-present spontaneity, wisdom and aliveness of spirit. Trust, ultimately needed to feel our bodies open up and surrender, is cultivated naturally through Meeting in Love. As a woman experiences her man not pursuing any goal her body relaxes, opens deeper and deeper and energetically connects with him. Men experience a deeper sense of potency, aliveness and esteem because the connection with his partner is authentic and liberating. There is an old saying that ‘women need love so they are available for sex and men need sex in order to experience love’. Meeting in Love satisfies both genders’ needs simultaneously. Meeting in Love is an exquisite opportunity to be humbled, whilst acknowledging that the wisdom of spirit far outweighs the mind’s arrogance and striving. As we allow ourselves to be humbled, our sensual sexual innocence emerges accompanied by subtle intermingling of sexual energies on a soul level. Surrendering to trusting spirit takes us to deeper levels of intimacy, sexual bliss and ecstasy.
Osho highlighted this when he said:
“Nobody knows what is going to happen. You are simply left in the divine vortex. It will take you, and it will take you wherever it wants. You are simply available, ready to move with it. You don’t direct it – you have simply become vehicles. Let energies meet in their own ways.”
To begin with this is challenging as the mind searches for something to do, to capture and resolve through stimulating ideas of how to, issues, goals, strategies and the like.
Meeting in Love may initially reveal feelings of being exposed due to the habitual way we operate in lovemaking to protect ourselves. For example: women may perform to please their men disguising their fears and mistrust of men. Men may perform and aim for ejaculation for many reasons, e.g.: a feeling of release, it’s pleasurable, habitual and disguises the confusion regarding how to perform or satisfy. The problem lies in the gap that is created when sex is performed as a cerebral act. The sensual sexual exquisiteness of melting together moment by moment is missed. And frustration in various forms is prevalent. However after a time of making a commitment to meet in love the initial nervousness and issues of the mind subside and the mind becomes a servant to spirit bowing down to allow our intimate connection to be one of wholeness, oneness, rejuvenating, joyous with boundless energy and love. The game goes something like this: surrender, connection and sensual bliss is experienced, then the mind realises the body is experiencing bliss and oneness and the mind tries to own it and reinvent the feelings – now you are following the mind, so the feelings and connection subside. Then you realise you are in your mind and you let go/surrender into each other and the connection appears again and the cycle continues. This is natural. At some point you witness the ego wanting to own the experience – when there is no movement to follow it, surrender remains.
Principles of Meeting in Love
- Love is ever present even if we’re not presently experiencing it. We are held within Love and you are Love itself. Every movement we make is a Movement in Love beyond any idea you have of it.
- Each person is honoured as whole therefore there is nothing to change or achieve. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you.
- Responsibility is held with oneself. Responsibility can be viewed as the ability to respond to one’s ‘heart’s desire’ moment by moment with fairness, justice, sensitivity and mutuality when it comes to meeting in love.
- Vulnerability is the key to an open heart and authentic intimacy, in truth it offers ‘in to me see’.
- Be willing to surrender to what is, let energy move you. Surrender means to let this moment have you, to ride the waves of sensual sexual bliss without trying to capture them. To allow, movement, sound, breath to be more than experienced.
Meeting in Love is not something you can do, it happens by divine grace.
Meeting in Love
- is not confined to ability, sexual functionality and can be indulged in by young and old, abled or disabled, the ill and frail as spirit will always guide the meeting.
- enlivens tired parents who are too tired to “make love,” yet needing to remain connected whilst supporting their children.
- ignites libido without strategy, rebuilds trust and intimacy, relaxes, resolves longstanding issues preventing intimacy, dissolves cellular memory, opens your heart to love deeper and whole heartedly.
- reconnects you with each other with longer lasting results, often without ejaculation or genital orgasm. Yet none of this can be achieved if you go looking for it, it is the job of spirit in its own time and pace.
- David Deida speaks to men by saying: Moment by moment, practise loving through your woman and the world, allowing the force of your surrender to transform every moment into an orgasm of divine dissolution. Embrace every moment of experience as a lover trusting whatever direction love moves you. Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.”
Practise of Meeting in Love
- Co-creating a Sacred Connection: Talk to each other about making a commitment to Meeting in Love. Together create a sacred setting free of distractions with a mutually agreed upon intention to meet in love, to experience a deeper intimacy than habitual love making. Then create a light bubble around you both, so that your connection and energy is contained within that couple bubble. Honour each other, in whatever way you like, as the doorway to the truth of who you are, and for the courage it takes to be vulnerable and authentically intimate, for the divine being that you are.
- Eye Gazing: Begin with sitting opposite each other and gaze into each other’s eyes. Take time to get used to this. For those partners who are more avoidant this can be intense to start with, therefore the other partner can briefly look away to relieve the person’s tension. This settles down after away and you can stand with comfort. Eye gazing is the quickest way to signal safety to bring each other into resonance with each other and to remember the love!
As Dr Stan Tatkin (founder of the Psychobiological Approach for Couple Therapy) said,
“For many of us (with the exception of non-sighted individuals and those who grew up in particularly avoidant family cultures), eye gazing can be a powerful way to amplify excitement positive emotions in one another. When we look into another person’s eyes, and it is in the beginning and we’re falling in love with that person, we get a rush. That rush is dopamine surging through our brain, and probably the other persons brain too, as it is done mutually. We both get high off that, we get excited. A mutually amplified positive can only happen between two brains that are human. It is hard to do with a rock. It’s hard to do with a dog, and it is hard to do alone. You feel positive things but it is hard to amplify those positive things, to get an extra kick. In courtship this happens a lot, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be together. There had to be amplified positive moments to keep your interest. There are several ways to amplify positive affects. One way is eye-to-eye, face-to-face, The Lovers Gaze. Looking into each other’s eyes. You will be surprised how many people don’t do this especially in the island world (avoidant-anxious attachment) where gazing was not done, and if it was, it was not done for very long. The gazing eye to eye should have an immediate excitement to it, a kind of spike, then it should fade into relaxation. All things being equal this is, if you weren’t abused, you didn’t have somebody frightening in your face, and your partner isn’t looking at you askew. Generally speaking after being in your partner’s eyes for a few moments it should be relaxing because you’re resting in each other’s eyes. We’re not staring, we’re gazing”
- Sync Breathing: As you eye gaze begin to combine breathing together. Mindfully breathing in and breathing out together. As you come into rhythm with each other breathe from the base chakra to your heart and then bring the breath down.
- Touch: Ask each other permission to put your right hand on their heart. Remain looking in their eyes and continue to breathe in sync with each other. Breathe the energy generated from the connection up from the base chakra to heart chakra and out to the others heart and the other breathes that back down into their base chakra. This creates a Circle of Love.
- Clearing the Way: At this point there is often all these ‘No’s’ appear as we start generating energy and the mind tries to own the energy and control again. Simply speak these thought without fixing or resolving issues instead, without discussion, voice whatever is coming up in your head in a very short sentence, with no explanation. The other partner simply says ‘Yes’ no matter what it is. Voicing these negative withholds clears the way for stillness. Positive withholds are also essential to be voiced. This process allows the mind to discontinue entertaining and mulling over them and asks the space in the middle of you both created through eye gazing and synced breath to take care of the mind chatter.
- Beyond the Issues: Don’t wait until you feel good, or sexual bring how you feel to meeting in love. If you are not sure why you are feeling angry, unsettled, frightened, upset then Meeting in Love is fantastic for allowing this to appear, move through you and then support your return to a sense of peace, regulated nervous system and connected with each other.
- Taking Resonance Deeper: Now lay down with each other, remain eye gazing and gently breathing in sync. Breathing in sync allows feelings and energy to move freely through you.
- Beyond chasing orgasm: If issues such as mistrust, fear, guilt or revolt come up or an urge to “go for an orgasm” arises, briefly voice them without discussion or trying to fix it, following it or owning the other’s issue. Invite these issues into the togetherness by accepting them in your body without following them or trying to change anything. Breathe.
- Letting the Energy of Connection Be the Guide: Holding each other feel yourselves melt in each other’s arms and for a time allow nothing to happen. This allows for the mind to surrender in trusting spirit to move in love. Allow the body to move in ways it may not have previously, to breathe differently, to sound different. Be available to whatever happens. There are no rules, goals or right way or wrong way.
- Deeper connection: For some women, lying with her partner’s lingam (penis) inside her yoni (vagina) creates an energy circuit. The man does not need to be erect but can be flaccid and relaxed. This also heals if there is no pursuing or getting off on the other. At times there is tears, relief, opening and a very deep energy begins to appear. Be guided by this energy that naturally wants to move from the base chakra to the top of your head, crown chakra overtime. Be gentle with this energy to start with. Placing the tongue on the roof of the mouth if the energy gets too intense can help soothe and settles it down. Partners can do this for each other, or add a finger on the roof of your mouth.
Some suggest this practise be done as a daily devotion as outlined by Diane Riley in ‘Sexy & Sacred’ or a sacred practise that you can do when making time to meet in love. To cultivate mutuality, it is best done lying side on to start with.
“Daily devotion is a wonderful sacred Sexuality practice designed to bring harmony to both partners on every level – physical, emotional and spiritual, body, heart and soul. Lovers experience deep connection and relax into blissful harmony, bringing them into holistic balance. Each partner’s energetic needs are met,….hearted connected with heart and being in presence together, quiet and still, experiencing just ‘being’ with your beloved, mindfully breathing and taking time to expand into love and loving. Daily devotion is an exercise that has many significant benefits on different levels of body, heart and soul. However, it does require a little understanding and appreciation of its subtleness – otherwise it can be easily discarded as ‘sex without coming.….it is your inner attitude that makes all the difference”.
When we are following the mind the other person’s body closes!
Although this practise is pleasurable for both it is not necessary to do anything more than to surrender to one’s deeper intelligence beyond the mind. The body is much faster and wiser than the mind. Surrender to the truth of who you are. It teaches one body and mind that there is something more than pursuing genital orgasm. Many find this a relief as it helps them let go of the need to perform whilst relieved to feel the others presence, allowing one to open to a deeper trust.
How do you know when you are letting spirit move you in love?
Within the movements or no movement the experience maybe of having no energetic separation between you and your partner. The body takes over the mind, knowing exactly what to do and when, with seemingly little to no effort. There are high ecstatic peaks and sensual valleys of energy, exquisite intimacy, wild passion, a deep wordless energetic connection sometimes with orgasm, sometimes without, sometimes with penetration, sometimes without. The next time you Meet in Love it maybe completely different. That is the wisdom of spirit. When you are following your mind it produces a slight mechanical experience and disconnection of energies changing the experience from sacred union to sex, from oneness to pursuing orgasm. If this appears, voice it and stop or slow down whatever you are doing and surrender to spirit, to this moment, the reconnection will be there as spirit guides you.
For some Meeting in Love is a relief, an end to a life time worth of questions.
“You do not need to do anything, just remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, just wait. Do not even wait just be quiet, still and solitary, and the universe will expose itself to you. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet’ Franz Kafka
We can alter the environment, the furniture and yet the fact remains the universe has no choice when surrendered to it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
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Bibliography:
Anand, Margo (1989) ‘The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers’, TarcherPerigee
Deida, David (2008) ‘The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work and Sexual Desire’, ReadHowYouWant, Plexus
Osho, (1998) The Book of Secrets Vol 2, St Mary’s Press,
Oshlack, Ian (1996) ‘This Thing Called Sex’Harper Collins (Australia) Pty Ltd
Riley, Diane (2009) ‘Sexy and Sacred, Sexual secrets for Women’, Loveworks
Tatkin, Dr Stan, drstantatkin Instagram
