I remember the moment clearly. I was sitting in my car, parked just outside my apartment, staring blankly through the windshield. My mind was spinning with thoughts like a stuck record: He shouldn’t have said that. How could he treat me that way? I’ve given everything to this relationship. I felt angry, heartbroken, and utterly powerless and my my was relentless!
That’s when I remembered The Work of Byron Katie.
I’d heard about it before — a simple process of inquiry that invites you to examine your stressful thoughts. Four questions and a few “turnarounds” that somehow help people find peace, even in the most painful situations. At the time, I was skeptical. How could four questions possibly help me untangle this mess?
Still, I was desperate enough to try as I just wanted peace.
Starting Self Enquiry with The work
I took a deep breath, pulled out my journal, and wrote the thought that was hurting the most:
“He doesn’t care about me.”
Then I asked the first question:
1. Is it true?
My immediate reaction was Yes, of course it’s true! But I knew the process was asking me to slow down. So I sat with it and went into my heart.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
This question cracked something open. Absolutely know? No. I couldn’t. I could assume, guess, interpret — but I didn’t know what was going on in his heart.
3. How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
That was easy: I shut down. I stew in resentment. I rehearse arguments in my head. I build a case against him. I isolate. I become someone I don’t like.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without the thought “He doesn’t care about me,” I imagined myself sitting in the car feeling hurt, yes — but without the added poison of judgment. I could allow the pain of the moment without turning it into a story of betrayal. I might even be open to curiosity or compassion — for myself and for him.
Turning it Around and Bringing Peace Home
Then came the turnarounds. This is where you take the original statement and flip it in different directions to see what else might be true.
- “He doesn’t care about me” became:
- I don’t care about me.
- I don’t care about him.
- He does care about me.
Each one felt uncomfortable as I met reality, but interesting. I explored them askign myself where these turnarounds were truer than my stressful thinking:
- I don’t care about me — I realized I’d been abandoning myself emotionally, outsourcing my well-being to his approval. That stung, but it was empowering too. If I was the one neglecting myself, maybe I could also be the one to care for myself.
- I don’t care about him — I had been so caught up in being right that I hadn’t tried to understand where he was coming from. That didn’t excuse his behavior, but it reminded me that I had shut down empathy.
- He does care about me — This one was hard to accept at first. But then I remembered times he’d shown care, even subtly. The story wasn’t black and white.
A Quiet Shift
I didn’t walk away from that inquiry with a perfect resolution. The relationship still had its problems. But I walked away with something more valuable: clarity, peace and meeting reality as it is rather than my head arguing with it and making up stories that kept me awake all night.
The pain wasn’t just coming from the situation — it was coming from my unquestioned thoughts about it. The Work didn’t change what happened, but it changed how I experienced it. And that shift made all the difference.
I’ve used The Work many times since that day. On thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “They’re judging me,” or “This shouldn’t be happening,” or “Somethings wrong with me.” Each time, the process feels like holding a mirror up to my mind — not to judge it or shame it, as minds do what minds do, but to understand it. To loosen the grip of stories that keep me stuck and stressed.
Why It Works
The beauty of The Work is in its simplicity. Byron Katie doesn’t ask us to suppress our thoughts or replace them with positive affirmations. She simply invites us to question them — deeply and honestly. And in that questioning, space opens up.
What I’ve learned is that truth, when it’s discovered rather than imposed, is incredibly kind. It doesn’t scold. It doesn’t shame. It just reveals what’s been hidden by fear or habit.
And in that light, even the most painful thoughts can begin to dissolve.
Final Thoughts
If you’re struggling with a painful situation or a recurring belief that keeps you small or stuck, I encourage you to try The Work. Start with one stressful thought. Ask the four questions. Turn it around. See what you find.
You might not get fireworks. But you might get something quieter and more lasting: peace.
And sometimes, that’s enough to change everything.
Suggested Reading
- Katie, B., & Mitchell, S. (2002). Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Harmony Books.
- The Work of Byron Katie. (n.d.). Thework.com. Retrieved from https://thework.com
- Katie, B. (2007). I Need Your Love—Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. Harmony Books.
- Katie, B. (2008). Question Your Thinking, Change the World: Quotations from Byron Katie. Hay House.
