As we watch the world rapidly changing I have been contemplating a question, one that I have been researching for about 40 years as a therapist. The question is:“How do we optimise the brain and body to deal with constant change and challenges effectively?”
As a teacher in holistic counselling I draw on many modalities from:
- meditation
- pranayama breathing
- improving sleep, diet and exercise
- Creating Your Day every morning on waking,
- to developing the Attitude of Gratitude,
- or the daily practise of journalling , or
- Spring Cleaning my thinking with Inquiry Based Stress reduction practises
- or a Nature fix whether it be walking, ocean swimming, cycling, surfing etc
- how to go to pieces without falling apart
- bring about balance using Dan Siegel’s Healthy Mind Platter and so much more.
Yet the one thing that protects us from our nervous systems going into overdrive and overwhelm and discombobulation is relationships, secure functioning relationships. We look after these relationships so they look after us.
Secure functioning relationships can be co-created, we do not have to be secure to co-create a secure environment with others, just committed to make it happen, know the ingredients, and the steps and then follow the rules, including repair and fighting fair.
So what are the ingredients to create secure functioning relationships:
- A Shared vision and purpose – Why are you together? What can you do with each other, you can’t with anyone else (For intimate partners)
- What are the rules of engagement? (the governing principles) We expect each other to know the rules
- Fighting fair rules as well as how to repair – repairing quickly means things do not go into long term memory
- Understand Attachment styles – our attachment styles affect our ability to move toward someone or away with ease or difficulty
- Launchings and Landings – here is where rituals take care of the relationship and each other. How do you connect in the mornings and the evenings, what are the little rituals you do together? Putting each other to bed at night? Date nights, coffee with friends? What’s your rituals? Meditate together? Walks and talks?
- Welcome Home Hugs – the moment you arrive seek each other out and give each other a hug, don’t let go until each other is completely relaxed! We are wired to regulate each other!
- Effective Communication – understand how to talk so you are heard as well as the other is heard. Understand the every behaviour has a need trying to be met, so communicating from needs is essential.
This framework is NOT confined to couples! Parents, friends, family members, co-workers can all create secure functioning relationships, which right now are much needed.
Why this works
Secure functioning relationships create buffers and help us by providing:
- Co-regulation first preventing threat responses, conflict and prolonged fights,
- Shared vision means that we value what we have and will protect it from outside forces
- Rules + repair keep stress out of long-term memory
- Needs-based language reduces defensiveness
- Rituals create predictability in a changing world
Exercise to Try At Home
- Welcome Home Hug – If in doubt hug it out – but hold onto each other until both are relaxed
- Spot the different attachment styles of your friends, partner, co-workers and family members and respond accordingly – if someone is avoidant-anxious – try giving them an escape route if you are wanting to connect by saying:
- I know you are busy, but when you are ready I would love to…….(fill in the gap)” Or “I don’t want to stop you from what you are doing, when you are ready, could we….(fill in the gap)”. Avoidants get swamped easily, so we need to give them an escape route so they can come to us.
- With an ambivalent- anxious, they are external regulators so go towards them with loving words when they criticise on returning from being away. For example: “I am not going anywhere today, and I would really like to hang out with you.” “When I come home let’s sit down and have dinner together” or “I really enjoy hanging out with you, as our friendship means a lot to me.”
- Be aware of the towards and away dynamics as conflicts arise when we move away from each other, in the case of ambivalent anxious, they need reassurance that you will return, and avoidants who need to know that you will not swamp them, and there is an escape route when coming towards them! Practice allowing space (if ambivalent-anxious) or go towards the others more often, if avoidant.
- How can you offer safety in all your interactions? What is possible when we truly feel safe?
Here’s to creating a more secure functioning world, one couple, one friend, one family member, at a time!
